


Come Back

by veraiconcos



Series: Yes, Doctor Series [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: CM - Freeform, F/M, Professor!Reid, Reid, SpencerReid, universityAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24295003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veraiconcos/pseuds/veraiconcos
Summary: Yes, Doctor Part 2Vivian decided her relationship with Dr. Spencer Reid was too much to handle when her education was what mattered most. When the semester is finally over and she should be rejoicing a new term with new teachers, she finds herself stuck in class with the Doctor once again. Will she be able to keep herself away from him?
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Yes, Doctor Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1753897
Comments: 26
Kudos: 31





	1. Truth or Dare

I did not end up here on purpose. I swore that I would not step foot in this room again, especially not while I’m still in school, yet six shots of tequila and a dare later, I was here. The morning sun shone through the blinds, casting shadow stripes across my torso, revealing an empty bed that was not mine. The memories of the night before played through my head.  
*****  
Kori, disappointed that I had not invited her out with Char and I two weeks before, insisted that the three of us, as well as her two loyal besties, hit the streets of Ann Arbor. I protested, insisting I wanted to take the weekend to study, but was soon convinced when Kori stated that drinks were on her for the night.  
It did feel good to get out, to get my mind off the Doctor who had been plaguing me since I laid eyes on him in discussion. We both stuck to our guns, refusing to speak to each other outside of class. I still couldn’t decide if I liked the space that he was given me. While I did cherish the fact that he respected my wishes, understanding how difficult my junior year of college was, I wanted him to chase me more. I wanted him to want me.  
The drunken flirts and stares of guys in the night club replaced that desire for the night. It was nice to be wanted by someone, even if it wasn’t the person who had filled my dreams every night since we first met.  
Kori managed to get us a booth away from the pulsating music, ordering a third round for the table as we all sat and discussed how our semester had started off. Kori and I had already agreed that we would need to stick together in order to pass our orgo class. Only two weeks in and I felt like I was floundering. It didn’t help that most of my discussion was spent trying to drown out the voice of the man trying to teach me. I wanted to hear his words, but all I could think about were the dirty words that voice would whisper to me as he ravaged my body.  
“Truth or dare…truth or dare!” Marian shouted, slurring her words due to the five shots she had already downed. We had only been there an hour. I reached for my fourth shot, wanting to numb myself even more. It wasn’t like me to drown my sorrows in this way, but nothing else seemed to be working. My head spun as Kori demanded that I pick, truth or dare.  
“Um, dare?” I questioned more than answered. She tapped her fingers against the table playfully, the gears visibly turning in her head.  
“I want you to get that guys number,” she commanded, pointing towards a decent looking guy standing by the bar. He was tall, but not as tall as Spencer. His hair was straight and blond, combed back from his face. It didn’t look nearly as fun to pull on as Spencer’s. He wasn’t Spencer, but I guess that didn’t matter. I swallowed my pride with another shot and made my way over.  
“Hey, baby. You here with anyone?” I managed, the alcohol impairing my speech much more than I would have preferred. He shook his head, laughing at my appearance. I slouched a bit as I steadied myself on the bar, the black pumps adorning my feet not helping.  
“Want me to buy you a drink?” He asked, stepping closer. I could smell the pungent cologne coating his skin.  
“No, that’s okay. I just wanted to know if I could have your phone number?” I posed my question, not having the overwhelming desire to speak to him any longer than necessary to complete the dare.  
“Sure,” he snickered, again stepping forward so that our bodies were only inches from touching. His proximity became suffocating with the mixture of sweat, alcohol, and cologne that surrounded him. I stepped back, almost tripping over myself, which prompted him to put his hands on my waist to steady me. The surprising contact made me jump, almost sobering me. I shoved my phone into his hands, wanting to complete the dare so I could get the hell out of there.  
Returning to the booth, I flashed my new contact so that the game could continue. Everyone except Char chose truth, time after time, which revealed a lot of embarrassing sex stories. It seemed that’s all anyone wanted to talk about. I came out to get Spencer out of my head, but all this talk of sex had me missing his touch.  
I watched Char down three shots and flash a bar tender on her dare, silently hoping the group would forget that I hadn’t been challenged in a while. I didn’t want to embarrass myself on another dare and I didn’t want to spill my secrets. However, it was only a matter of time before Kori was asking me to pick again.  
“Truth,” I sighed, hoping she wouldn’t pick something too revealing.  
“Are you still in love with Spencer,” she hiccupped. Her drunken brain must have forgotten that no one here was supposed to know about that. No one at all was supposed to know about that.  
“Dare,” I quickly switched, praying that the rest of the group would keep their mouths shut. I did not get my wish.  
“Who is Spencer?” Char chimed, Marian and Stefan giggling as they realized Kori was talking about our old TA.  
“Dare, dare!” I shouted, drowning out the banter.  
“Okay, okay. I dare you to call Spencer,” Kori posed. My head hit the table in disappointment. My mind, however, appeared to have been waiting for an excuse to talk to him again, because I found myself pulling out my phone and dialing his number as I take another shot. The sound of Marian and Stefan explaining who Spencer is to Char almost drowns out the sound of the line ringing. It’s not like I could hear it anyway, my heart was beating so loud I swear it was about to come out of my chest.  
“Hello?” An obviously just woken Spencer answers. Had he looked at the caller before answering? Did he know it was me?  
“Hey Spence,” I slurred into the line.  
“Vivian?” His voice immediately shot up in tone.  
“I’m j-just calling…I’m just calling to say…I am…over you,” I stutter, the alcohol not doing much to numb my nerved but plenty to alter my speech.  
“Where are you?” He sounds concerned. I don’t know why, I’m not his problem anymore.  
“Nowhere, anyway, goodnight!” Spencer protests are cut short as I hang up.  
“Viv, that was such a cop out,” Kori whined, surprisingly coherent with the amount of liquor coursing through her blood.  
“I completed my dare, I just didn’t want to talk to him,” I argued back, “I want to go home.” The night was quickly becoming more of a problem than an escape. Twelve hours of sleep followed by three shots of espresso sounded like a much better way to clear my head. The entire group protested my wishes, and I couldn’t walk home alone, so it looked like I was stuck there.  
The hours pass as my head clears, refusing to let the alcohol dilute my senses any further. Kori, Marian, and Stefan had all found partners to sloppily grind with, leaving Char and I to drown out the pounding sounds of the nightclub together. Char continued to nurse a drink while I lazily scrolled through my phone, waiting for somebody to walk back with me.  
“Is this seat taken?” A strangely familiar voice asks, the speaker hovering behind me. My not-all-there mind can’t place it until I turn around. Spencer.  
“Huh?” Is all I can manage as I turn around. How did he know I was here? Char’s face lights up as she puts two and two together. This night could not be going worse.  
“I think I see someone I know,” she lies, slipping out of the booth, leaving Spencer and I completely alone.  
“I don’t really want to talk to you,” I mumble over the pulsating music.  
“Then why did you call?” He responded, his voice almost snarky.  
“How did you know where I was?” I snapped back.  
“You can’t answer a question with a question, Vivian,” he retorted. I was quickly realizing this was not the same Spencer I had been in love with. This Spencer was resentful of me; I could hear the venom in his words, no matter how innocent. But for some reason, even with the distain he had for me, he had come here for me. All I had to do was call and he was pooled at my feet.  
“I would tell you why I called, but I think it would just upset you more than you already are,” I answered him, swirling the straw in Char’s empty glass, avoiding eye contact. Eyes share secrets that I just can’t bare to reveal at the moment.  
“I guess it’s not important then,” he shrugged it off easier than I thought he would. The clinking of glasses and drunken chatter rang in my ears, but the silence between Spencer and I stung worse. He sat patiently, staring at my fingers as I fiddled with anything in sight, waiting for me to admit something I wouldn’t even admit to myself. It took him a while to give up on it, finally breaking the tension that grew between us.  
“You’re not having fun here,” he observed ever so correctly. I was having fun, but then Kori made that stupid dare. I just had to give into peer pressure. Perhaps I was just giving into what I truly felt. I wanted some sort of resolve with Spencer, a resolve I thought we already had. But, something lingered, something pulled at my heart strings as I slept and whispered in my ear as I went through my day. I shrugged at his comment, my lips held tight as I held back the words I really wanted to say.  
“I’m having plenty of fun,” I shot back, waving over a waitress as if to prove some point. “A round of shots for me and my friend here,” I ordered, glaring at Spencer as I spoke. She returned quickly, and three of the six glasses were downed by me as soon as they hit the table. Spencer eyed one, calculating the risk of opening up the vulnerability that alcohol brought on. He made his decision swiftly, standing abruptly and reaching for my hand.  
His touch was so soft, I missed it dearly. The simple feeling of his palm against mine made my inebriated mind want to forgive and forget, abandon every ounce of common sense in my body.  
“Let me take you home,” he pleaded, his eyes softening from the previous anger that hid behind them. I sighed as if I was protesting, but I just wanted him to keep his hand on mine. Just for tonight. What harm could come from one night.


	2. A Drunken Mistake

Some mistakes must be made. Perhaps I was just telling myself that as an excuse to follow Spencer up to his apartment. The familiarity of the situation hit me like a truck. I could see us cuddled up watching movies on his couch, laughing as we spilled flour while trying to make brunch, softly moaning as our bodies meshed together in his bed. The memories flooded my already crowded mind as I smelled that comforting autumn scent that seemed to coat Spencer and all his belongings. I missed him.   
The door seemed to slam behind us, causing me to jump as I turned to face him. I did what I told myself I couldn’t do and stared deep into those golden eyes that plagued my every thought. If he was speaking to me, I couldn’t hear it. His lips moved in slow motion, begging me to meet them as they slid past his teeth and under his tongue.   
My lips touching his, a feeling I hadn’t felt in almost a month, a feeling I wanted to forget so badly, silenced my buzzing thoughts. It felt right. He submitted to the act, letting my tongue swipe across his bottom lip, desperately wanting more of him than he was offering. The more I pushed, the more he pulled, before he finally detached himself from me.   
“Spencer, I want you,” I panted, admiring the loose-fitting t-shirt that dressed him. My fingers absentmindedly toyed with the hem, honoring the time I was able to pull his clothes from his body whenever I pleased.   
“You’re drunk,” he whispered, convincing himself not to do something he would regret more than fending off my actions.   
“I want you when I’m not drunk, I just lie about it,” I plead, wanting to feel him in any way possible again. His palm met my face, caressing the heated skin before pulling me in for another kiss. He still wouldn’t allow me to deepen it, pulling away only moments after it began.   
“I still have makeup wipes in the bathroom, you can borrow some pajamas too,” he spoke as he walked away from me, entering his bedroom, and shutting the door. Why would he bring me back to his apartment just to abandon me like this? I found the wipes he spoke of, clearing my face before stepping into his shower, letting the cold water bring me back to my senses.   
“I shouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t have called him,” I muttered angrily, even though no one could hear me but myself. I was the only person that needed to hear this message. When would I listen to myself? I sat in my own sorrows until I felt almost sober, goosebumps coating my body as I stepped out of the shower. A t-shirt and shorts waited on the toilet for me, my shouting thoughts drowned out the sound of the delivery man.   
I crept back into the living room, eyeing his bedroom door as if I could ask him permission to enter without speaking. It was left open a crack, and I knew for a fact that Spencer couldn’t sleep unless every door was completely shut and the room completely black, so I took that as my invitation.   
He was sat up in his bed, his hair ruffled in every direction. A soft glow came from his bedside lamp, illuminating his stunning features. His glasses slipped down his face as he read, a tiny novel with the cover written in a language I did not understand. His head shot up as I entered the room, admiring the way his clothes fell over my figure. I could see the imprint of desire he once had for me lingering behind his eyes.   
“Can I sleep in here,” I hiccupped, my voice coming out as a small sob. My cheeks burned, but I wouldn’t let myself cry in front of him. Not again. I was either going to be happy with him or nothing with him.   
“Yeah, of course,” he crooned, sliding over and pulling back the covers. He returned his book and glasses to the nightstand as I settled in next to him. His body hovered over mine as he turned out the lights, hesitating as he began to adjust, not knowing how comfortable this moment should be.   
It wasn’t a big deal, just two exes falling asleep together. No back sliding, no drunken sex. Never mind the fact that he was my TA when we were dating and happened to be my TA again this semester. This was normal.   
I wanted so badly for it to be normal. I wanted to rationalize the burning desire to rest my head on his chest and count off his heartbeat like it was sheep putting me to sleep. I wanted his fingers to graze the bare skin that was revealed as his baggy shirt slid up my body. I wanted to fall asleep feeling loved.   
“I’m drunk,” I whispered as some sort of justification as I nestled into his arms. He gave no protest as he let me be the little spoon.  
“I know,” he whispered back, tightening his arms around my waist. It took me only moments to drift off, already living in the dream I had been having over and over since our breakup. I wasn’t over him. I wanted to be, and this certainly wasn’t the way to go about doing it, but it felt too good to back away. I let myself fall asleep to the rhythm of his breathing. Just before everything fades, I swear I hear his voice in my ear.  
“I still love you Vivian.”  
*****  
Spencer’s room. Spencer’s bed. I was in Spencer’s bed. I wish I had never gone out, I wish I had never agreed to that stupid game of truth or dare, I wish I could have drunk dialed literally anyone else.   
I scour the room with my eyes, searching for the clothes I arrived in so that I could make a quick escape, hopefully without encountering the owner of the clothes I was currently in. That’s when I heard a loud crash outside of the door, too loud for me to just ignore.   
“Spencer?” I questioned as I peered outside of his bedroom. My head was pounding, my eyes sore, but the smell of fresh brewed coffee helped bring me to my senses. Several frying pans were scattered across his kitchen floor, his lanky body bent over, attempting to gather then all into his arms. I shuffle into the kitchen, picking up two pans that had hit the ground and placing them back on the hooks that hug over his stove.   
“I was just, um,” he stuttered, cleaning the rest of the mess he made, “I wanted to make you breakfast because I figured you would have a headache after last night. Did I wake you? I’m sorry,” he rambled, not daring to look into my eyes.   
“No, I was already up. I appreciate it, but I think I’m going to go,” I tell him, my voice trailing off at the end. Part of me, the part that was, unfortunately, released last night, wanted him to ask me to stay. It wanted to sit and catch up, laugh as we ate avocado toast and drank black coffee. I wanted things to go back to how they were only a few months ago.   
“Yeah, you’re right. I understand,” he mumbled, putting away the ingredients he had pulled out to start cooking. I felt bad, he really cared about me, but I couldn’t trust myself to be with him. It was me. I was breaking his heart because I couldn’t manage him and school. It wasn’t fair to him. On the other hand, it wasn’t fair for me to put anyone else above myself.  
With that mantra, I changed back into the skimpy dress I had worn the night before and shuffled my way out of his apartment. I looked back at the golden nine that rested on his door and wondered if I would ever see it again.


	3. Discussion

The room smells like chalk dust as students file in. I normally didn’t notice such miniscule things, but my whole body was on edge with the prospect of seeing Dr. Reid again. Of course, he would be here; he is my teacher. I had several days to prepare myself, yet here I was, sweating like a sinner in church, awaiting his arrival.   
Despite my growing nerves, I had been the first to arrive in the dingy room. I had been avoiding Kori since the club, not wanting the obligatory interview that came with going home with your ex. She tumbled into the classroom as if she had been chasing me, throwing herself into the desk adjacent to mine.   
“You have been avoiding me,” she accused, her squeal drawing the attention of the handful of other people in the room.   
“Yes, because I do not want to talk about what happened this weekend,” I responded, burying my head in my notes to avoid her reading my facial expressions. Had she seen them she would have immediately know that something happened with Spencer.   
Not much did happen, I just kissed him, practically begged him to fuck me, and then went to sleep in his bed high and dry. The issue was, I still wanted him. Ever since I had seen him, by body had been on fire and I knew he was the only one that could put it out. At night I had to fight off my own thoughts, the rational part of my brain knowing that it’s better that we’re apart, and the primitive part arguing that nothing would feel better than his harsh touch.   
It became worse as the doctor himself waltzed into the classroom; his iconic leather shoulder bag draped across him. His neck stiffly kept his focus on the chalkboard, and then the front desk he sat his belongings on as he prepared to begin class.   
My eyes followed his hands as they meticulously prepared his materials—pulling out a purple pen and flipping to the correct page in his journal. Tendons danced like lightening bolts under his skin as they strained against his writing on the chalkboard, gracing us with the subject of discussion. I didn’t bother to even read it, I knew I was going to spend the entire hour fantasizing about the way those fingers felt.  
Once he lifted his face to greet us, my gaze rose to the soft skin of his lips. His words flew past me as he spoke despite the fact that I read every movement his lips made. In my head, he was whispering my name, begging for me as I wished he would do for me.   
I wanted so badly to blame this fantasy on Kori. She had been the one that insisted on me calling him. She knew exactly what she was doing with this dare. However, deep down I knew that this feeling was inevitable. She had just awoken what was already there. Even my sober mind wanted a backslide.   
Spencer’s facial hair had grown out, a mousy beard and mustache graced his face. It aged him in the most perfect way. My mind could not help but picture how the hairs would tickle against the inside of my thighs.   
My eyes were glazed over as I continued to daydream about Spencer, his own voice serving as the background music. I almost didn’t notice the way his eyes landed on me from time to time, taking in my presence. They lingered on me in between his questions, begging me to respond so that he could hear the melody of my voice. Had I noticed it, I would have been a puddle at his feet, but alas, my mind was elsewhere. It took Kori a solid minute to grab my attention even after she had tugged on the sleeve of my sweater.   
“Viv,” she snapped, pulling my sleeve again.   
“What, what,” I protested, quietly. Could she tell what I was thinking about?  
“Jeez, you are going to have to switch sections,” she muttered, returning to her notetaking. She was right, there was no way I was ever going to learn in this class. I eyed the clock, realizing there were only ten minutes left of class. I had already missed the important information, I might as well return to my dream-like state and finish the story developing in my head.   
In doing so, I hadn’t noticed when I was the only person left in the room, Spencer’s real voice snapping me out of my trance. Hearing my name on his lips again did something to me, it broke me. Suddenly, a memory slipped into my mind, something Spencer had said to me the semester before in a situation like this one.   
“Vivian, class is over,” he alerted me, confusion laced in his voice.   
“Dr. Reid,” I began, emphasizing his title and noticing the way it made his pupils grow slightly. He still wanted me, he was just resisting. “I seem to recall that at one point in time,” I pressed a finger to his chest as I spoke, the gap between us slowly closing, “you wishing that you could bend me over one of these desks.”  
He gulped at my sudden forwardness, his mind pulling away as his body inched closer. My fingers toyed with the knot in his tie, loosening it as I awaited his response. His lips grazed my ear as he spoke, fueling the heat in my core.   
“Don’t start this,” he warned, his hands contradicting his words as the took hold of my hips. Even the smallest contact had me growing wetter. I longed for the way he could make me feel.   
“We both want this,” I whispered back, peppering kisses down his neck. I could feel his bulge growing against my stomach. My fingers lightly scratched down his chest before meeting his crotch, barely palming the area before my wrist was entrapped in Spencer’s large hand. His lips crashed into mine as he held both of my wrists behind my back.   
“You broke up with me,” he growled in between the red marks he was leaving on my neck.   
“I know,” I whimpered, his restraint not letting up despite my resistance against it. He kissed me harsher as I tried to pull away, wanting to lace my fingers through his soft curls. Suddenly, his body moved away completely, leaving me pouting as he pulled off the tie I had already loosened, heading towards the door to lock it.   
In the back of my head, I could hear myself begging to stop, think through what I was doing, but ever since I returned to the sweet taste of Spencer’s lips a few nights before, this was all I could think about.   
My eyes raked over his body, the first few buttons of his shirt undone, revealing the glistening sweat on his chest. I bit my lip as I realized what his hands were doing—fastening his tie into a pair of makeshift handcuffs. As soon as he finished, his touch returned, forcing me to turn around with my hips pinned to one of the small wooden desks. The softness of his skin contradicted the harsh friction of the fabric around my wrists.   
“Spencer,” I begged, growing impatient with every second that passed. I needed to feel him.   
“It’s doctor to you,” he spit, his lips hovering over my neck.   
“Yes, doctor,” I swallowed, confused yet aroused by the anger that coated his words.   
“You wanted this so bad,” he huffed, snaking his hands under my skirt and toying with the cotton that covered my heat, “be quiet and let me do what I do.” He shoved the fabric down my legs before guiding my body over the desk. I was at a loss for words, the only thing escaping my mouth were breaths of anticipation.   
I let out a small whimper as a single finger slid between my folds. I hadn’t been touched like this in so long that the simple action made my knees buckle. All too slowly, two fingers slid into my growing heat, making my breath hitch in my throat.   
“Already so wet. Is it because you missed me so much?” Spencer taunted, barely moving his fingers inside me. I nodded eagerly with my lips pressed tightly between my teeth.   
“Use your words, princess,” he commanded, halting his movements inside me completely.   
“Yes, doctor, I missed how good you feel inside me,” I whined, wanting his fingers to resume their motions. Once the words left my lips, Spencer’s fingers left completely, leaving me silently begging for his touch. I didn’t want to speak, to plead out loud, afraid he would leave completely. I sigh of relief left me when I heard the clinking of his metal belt buckle and the familiar sound of a zipper unzipping. I craned my neck to try and see him behind me, but my position over the desk made it impossible.   
He eased his hard member inside of me, leaving me a moaning mess. He filled me up perfectly, my walls tightening around him as his fingers sunk into the skin of my hips.   
“You could have had this,” he spoke, pulling out almost completely, “anytime you wanted,” he snapped his hips back into me, stifling my cries with his hand, “but we’re not together anymore.” He withdrew again, before plunging back into me with all his force. My teeth sunk into his fingers as I tried to refrain from alerting and passersby in the hallway of the actions occurring just behind the door.   
“I’m so sorry,” I muttered into his palm as I reveled in the way it felt to have him inside of me again. I doubted he could hear me between the snap of his skin against mine and the curses that fell from his lips as he sped up his rhythm.  
He hit that perfect spot inside of me with every motion, leaving me whimpering into his hand that still tightly gripped my face. I wanted to take in every moment, I wanted every mark and bruise to be permanent, to always have the reminder of the time I spent with Spencer. I knew as we both grew closer to the edge, we both grew closer to never speaking again.   
Tears threatened at the corner of my eyes, perfectly summarizing the confliction I felt in the moment. Spencer’s skin meshed beautifully with mine, despite the obvious anger he was taking out on me. The roughness of his tight grip and deep thrusts was more intoxicating than frightening. At the same time, I knew he would pull away from me for good after this backslide.   
“Sp…doctor,” I crooned, his palm moving from my face to allow me to speak. His thumb harshly circled my clit as I spoke, bringing my orgasm closer with every second.   
“Say my name,” he begged, some of the venom from earlier leaving his voice.  
“Spencer, I’m coming,” I cried out softly, his touch becoming more gently as he allowed me to ride out my high. A single tear slid down my cheek as I worshiped the orgasm that flowed through my body. No one was going to make me feel the way Spencer made me feel.   
Spencer followed behind me shortly, filling me with that familiar warmth. He moaned out my name so beautifully as he came, I wanted to record it and play it back over and over. I missed the way it sounded it his mouth. When he spoke, everything had meaning, significance that it didn’t have leaving just any lips.   
He was silent as he slipped his tie from around my wrists, avoiding my eyes as he adjusted his own clothing. I redressed myself slowly, not wanting to leave his presence too soon despite the tension that grew between us. Spencer still refused to look at me, even when he took my wrists in his hands, kissing the red marks that had been left from the restraints.   
“I’m sorry,” he shuddered, the anger in his voice replaced with regret.   
“It’s okay, I liked it,” I giggled, hoping my joke would ease the tension. It seemed to when Spencer chuckled back, but it returned when Spencer collected his things in his messenger bag and headed towards the door.   
“I’ll, uh,” he stuttered, “I’ll see you in class next week.” He exited without looking back, leaving me in shock of what I had just let myself do. I was never going to come back from this.


	4. To Be So Lonely

I hadn’t spoke to Dr. Spencer Reid in two and a half weeks, despite the two discussion sections that I had attended with him in that time. He looked down upon me as he spoke in front of the class, avoiding me even when I tried to participate. I had grown more comfortable with the fact that he was just my teacher now, but his persistent neglect made it difficult to even respect him as that.   
It made my heart hurt. I loved him so much and now he hated me, and it was all my fault. There was nothing I could do to fix it.   
I lost myself in my studies in that time, spending every waking moment either in class or at the library. My first quiz in Kori and I’s orgo class proved that at least something good was coming out of this break up.   
Now it’s Friday night, and my only plans are to read the next two chapters of my physics textbook and get started on internship applications. Char had abandoned the apartment, leaving me to blast Wallows and light scented candles around the area all by my lonesome.   
Settling down with my book, a pen, and a hot mug of tea, I proceeded to lose myself in the thrilling world of electricity and magnetism. It was a great distraction from the thoughts that lingered in my head when I tried to turn my focus to TV and movies. Too often I found myself thinking of Spencer while watching my favorite couples fall in love over and over again. There was nothing romantic about Coulomb’s Law.   
I don’t know how long it takes me to finish the reading, but when my attention is pulled away, the sun has long been gone and the cool night air is flowing through my windows. The soft buzz of my cell phone against the wooden coffee table is what draws me out from my hyper-focus.   
Spencer  
The letters on my screen shock me. He had made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me, not after I taunted him with the one thing he wanted most yet could not have—me. I almost don’t answer the call, my body seemingly paralyzed. Before it can finish ringing, I swipe across my phone and bring it to my ear, already dying to hear his sweet voice.   
“Hi, uh,” he rushes out as if he had been holding his breath.   
“Hi,” I respond plainly. I can’t think of a single reason he has to call me.   
“I shouldn’t ask this, but,” he hesitates.   
Ask it, ask it, ask it. Please.   
“Can you come over?”  
I thought I was shocked before, but now my body literally cannot move. He hated me. Why did he want me to come over? But that isn’t even what has me so stunned. I want to go. It wasn’t even something I needed to think about. He asked and I shall do as he pleases.   
“Yes,” I state firmly. He hangs up without another word.  
It felt like the night out with Kori all over again. I was using this as an excuse not to move on, but I couldn’t stop myself. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to stop myself. I didn’t bother changing my sweats before leaving. I just grabbed my wallet and phone and headed out the door, not sure what I would be met with when I met that golden nine again.   
*****  
Spencer’s door swung open before I could even knock, greeting me with dark eyes and a hard frown. His expression softened, but only a bit, when his eyes met mine. The reddened rims made it look as if he had been crying.   
“Are you okay?” I spoke warmly, silently pleading for him to open up to me.   
“Just come here,” he sighed, capturing my face in his hands and placing a soft kiss on my lips. His touch said more than any words could. He didn’t hate me. He didn’t treat me with the same distain he did when he lectured or when I begged him to take me in a classroom. He was saying that he loved me and that he always had.  
But that’s what made this so dangerous. I still couldn’t let myself be with him fully or I knew it would take over my life. It wasn’t fair for me to be here embracing his affection without being there for him completely.   
I stepped back from the kiss, reluctantly. Spencer’s face dropped again, but some of the redness around his eyes had dissipated. He stepped back to welcome me into his apartment, the familiarity of it catching me off guard for the second time since we had broken up. I stood awkwardly between his living room and kitchen, not sure what I had been invited here for.   
“Spencer, why did you ask me here?” I asked softly.  
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he responded, inching closer.   
“Spencer,” I sighed, his lips leaving delicate kisses on my neck, “I can’t do this.” My body betrayed me, leaning my head onto his shoulder when he left my neck.   
“I just wanted to feel you again,” he whispered.   
“I want that too, it’s just,” my voice trailed off. He backed away, my head lifting to meet his gaze. There was no malcontent towards me in his eyes, he was concerned. He was desperately awaiting my next words.   
“I don’t want you to think that we’re getting back together. I still don’t think it’s a good idea for me to have a boyfriend.” Especially not one I was so completely in love with.   
“It doesn’t have to be like that,” his voice rose as his hands reached for mine.   
“Spencer, you can’t let me use you like that,” my voice grew softer the closer he got to me.   
“I’m asking you to,” he whispered before kissing me again. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him down to me to deepen the kiss.   
There was no stopping now. The floodgates had opened. I felt every moment I had missed Spencer since the breakup rush into that kiss. I tasted the coffee on his breath despite the late hour. I could smell his shampoo as I ran my fingers through his hair. His newly grown beard tickled my chin as his lips moved with mine.   
“What do you want, baby, I’ll do anything for you,” I panted as Spencer kissed down my neck, pulling me in close by the waist.   
“Let’s go to my room,” he mumbled, keeping one arm around me as we walked. Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, he pats his lap as a gesture for me to join him. Stradling his thighs, I returned my lips to his, swiping my tongue over his swollen bottom lip.  
He moans into the kiss, digging his fingers into my hips as I grind against him. We moved as if nothing had changed between us. His chest was pressed flush to mine as I tried to lift his shirt over his head, the position making me falter.   
“Spencer, please,” I begged against his lips, his body finally moving so that I could strip him of his clothing. My nails raked down his bare chest, missing the feeling of his bare skin under my fingers. I moved forward to kiss him again, but a firm hand on my arm stopped me.   
“My turn,” he smirked, lifting my t-shirt to reveal my bare chest. His lips immediately went to a nipple, sucking softly at the bud as I threw my head back in pleasure. My breath hitched in my throat as his hand kneaded the other breast, his entire body worshiping mine.   
While his mouth left red marks across my chest, his hand slipped between our bodies, massaging my growing heat through my sweats.   
“Did you miss me?” he muttered against my skin.   
“Yes, of course, Doctor,” I moaned as he put more pressure on my core.   
“I don’t need that tonight. I want to hear you say my name. It sounds so lovely in your mouth,” he begged, kissing a trail back up to my lips. His tongue explored my mouth as his hips grinded with mine. The minimal friction was driving me crazy. I needed him.   
“I missed you so much Spencer. I need you now,” I whimpered into his lips. He was quick to comply, helping my off him and onto the bed in one swift motion. He wasted no time ridding me of my sweats and panties, positioning his head between my legs. The soft kisses he left on my thighs had me writhing under his touch.   
When his tongue finally met my heat, my back arched in response. He teased my entrance before circling my clit, sucking gently before pressing two fingers into me. The feeling already had me close to the edge, but his fingers curling inside me made me a moaning mess.   
“Spencer, baby,” I panted as his tongue wandered over my most sensitive spots. My words fueled him, his fingers picking up their pace and his sucking becoming harsher.   
“Oh my God, oh my God,” I chanted. It was the only coherent thing I could say with the way he was touching me.   
“Come on, princess,” he pleaded against my skin. As he wished, I came undone on his fingers. I praised his name as his fingers brushed over me, stretching out my orgasm as far as he could.   
“You always looked so pretty coming on my fingers,” he praised, meeting me with a soft kiss. The taste of myself on his lips already had me ready for more.   
“Spencer, I want you to fuck me,” I begged, palming the bulge in his sweats, “how do you want it, baby?”  
A sneaky grin spread across his face, reveling in my neediness. A hand caressed my cheek as he stared down at me, completely vulnerable to him. He slid beside me, ridding himself of his sweats and boxers. His lips met my ear, nibbling slightly before he spoke.   
“I want you to ride me, princess,” he said in a low hum. The rumble of his voice sent shivers down my spine.   
I positioned myself above him, looking straight into his eyes as I sunk down onto his cock. It was so much better than our moment after class. I felt loved and cared for as he pulled me close to him, letting our hips find a rhythm together. He sat up, pulling me tight to his chest while I bounced up and down his length. The curses he moaned in my ear encouraged me as I rocked my hips, the position giving me the perfect amount of friction.   
“Tell me how good I make you feel,” he commanded, eyes screwed shut.   
“So good, Spencer, so good,” I whined in response. His hips lifted to meet mine, hitting perfectly inside me as he thrusted.   
“I bet you thought about me every night since I left,” he moaned, his hands guiding my hips to come down harder and harder against him.   
“I did, baby,” I breathed into the nape of his neck.   
“I though about those pretty lips and this tight pussy every time I closed my eyes,” he groaned, growing close to his release.   
He laid back, letting me take control of my hips. His thumb came down on my clit as a hand massaged my breast, the pleasure overwhelming me.   
“Spencer, please, I’m-“ My words were cut off as a wave crashed over me.   
“Yes, baby, come for me,” Spencer pleaded, thrusting up into me as I came undone for the second time. I collapsed onto his chest as he worked his way towards his own release, digging his fingers into my ass as he rocked into me.   
“Vivian,” he shuddered, unsheathing himself from me. His warm release coated our skin as his cock twitched against my ass.   
We sat holding each other, panting as we came down from the high of the moment. I never wanted to leave his arms, but I knew our moment had come to an end. If I stayed any longer, I would never leave.   
“Spence,” I sighed, nuzzling my head closer to him.   
“I know,” his voice was resigned, “Let me get you cleaned up first.”  
I flopped off him, curling up into the covers as he left the room. His scent lingered next to me, embracing me even when he wasn’t there. He returned with a warm washcloth, running it over my bare skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake.   
“I’m sorry,” I hiccupped.   
“It’s okay. I asked for this.” His voice was oddly calm. I expected him to be more upset at the situation. I certainly was.   
We got dressed in silence and he walked me to the door. I didn’t want to leave again. I kept glancing back at his figure behind me, hoping he would ask me to stay.   
“Hey, Vivian,” he spoke as I walked through the doorway. His face had the hint of a smile on it as I turned around. “Thanks for coming.” I just nodded before walking off, heading home to an empty bed and a crowded mind.


	5. Midnight

It was irresponsible, to say the least. I let myself get wrapped up in Dr. Spencer Reid for the second time, but things appeared to be going okay. We weren’t dating. We barely spoke, our communication exclusively consisting of me answering questions in his discussion every once and a while, and one of our tired voices begging the other to come over in the middle of the night.   
It had been weeks since Spencer invited me over that night. He had called me back over twice in that time, each night ending the same way, with amazing sex followed by an awkward walk home. I was guilty too, I had called him up three times, forcing him into the same walk of shame that I had borne.   
It scared me that I felt better. Every time he called me over, or I called him, our parting brought focus back into my life. It was like I could handle him in small doses. Our arrangement, while dangerous, was working.   
“Good morning, guys. How is it going?” Spencer greeted. With the remnants of his touch fresh in my mind, I could actually focus on his words instead of daydreaming about those hands and those lips.   
A collection of ‘good’s and ‘fine’s rumbled through the room, but I kept quiet. I still kept my head down when he was speaking to us directly, worried what his gaze could do to me.   
His words were melodic as he began lecturing, pausing to ask questions and collect a general consensus of understanding. Kori bounced giddily beside me, always having far too much energy for it to be a Tuesday morning. I heard her high-pitched voice articulate a response to the Doctor, followed by his sounds of approval.   
“Hey, Viv,” she whispered to me as Spencer went back to teaching.   
“What’s up,” I responded, not looking at her, continuing to scratch down notes from Spencer’s words.   
“You seem different,” she observed.   
“I don’t know what you mean,” I replied, honestly.   
“Just, different. Has something happened recently?” She pried.   
“Can we talk after class? I’m trying to pay attention.” My words came out harsher than I meant, causing Kori’s expression to turn sour.   
“Yeah, that is what’s different,” she said back, her voice a harsh whisper.   
I shut her out for the rest of the hour, focusing intently on what Dr. Reid was saying. To my surprise, it all made sense. I was able to follow along perfectly without getting lost in the beautiful sound of his words.   
“That’s all for today. See you next week,” Dr. Reid sent us off. I began collecting my things, but Kori’s firm grasp on my wrist stopped me.   
“What are you doing?” I sighed, not wanting to argue with her. She had become such a good friend of mine; I didn’t want to ruin it by lashing out.   
“I want to talk to you, but I have to talk to Dr. Reid first,” she stated before waving him over. The rest of the students filed out of the classroom, leaving us three alone in the center.   
“Hi, Kori,” he greeted, a soft smile on his lips.   
“How long?” She questioned. Both Dr. Reid and I tried to control our expressions, but we knew what she was referring to.   
“Ex-excuse me?” Spencer stuttered. I could feel the flush in my cheeks.  
“How long have you guys been back together?” She pressed further.  
“We are not back together,” I said, my voice wavering. It was the truth, but it didn’t sound like it.   
“Oh, come on. That weird tension that was here at the beginning of the semester is gone, and Viv smiles so much more often. Something is going on,” she laid out her observations for us.  
“We’re not back together and I don’t think it’s any of your business anyway,” Spencer spoke harshly.   
“Spence,” I chastised.  
“What? It’s not,” he defended, “I’ll see you two next week.” He grabbed his bag and stormed out of the room.   
“Dammit, Kori,” I sighed, bringing my fingers to my temples.   
“What is going on?” Her voice rose now that we were alone.   
“Nothing, like I said,” I snapped.  
“Okay, both of you are way too pressed over me asking for something not to be going on!” The way her voice rose as she spoke made my head hurt. I groaned as I began to collect my things, wanting to abandon the conversation without another word.   
“Viv, please talk to me.” Her voice was suddenly soft and pleading.   
“Let’s go grab lunch,” I relented, still facing away from her. She followed me out without a word as we walked to Charlie’s.  
*****  
“Spill,” Kori commanded as soon as we got our food. My hands were shaking at the prospect of discussing this. The rational part of my brain knew what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself. I feared that talking about it would bring me to my senses.   
“I, uh-” I began, not even knowing where to start. “Spencer and I kind of have a casual thing going on.” The words I chose sounded so wrong, but I didn’t want her worrying about it.   
“Define casual.” If I could, I would. The fact of the matter was, I didn’t know what we were doing either. I didn’t know what it meant for us. In my heart, I wanted it to just be about sex. I knew that I could focus on school and my career if I let it just be physical. But how could it ever be just physical with Spencer? He was smart, kind, and he cared for me in a way I had never been cared for before.   
“We just, um, hook up every once and a while,” my inflection rose, questioning my own words. Kori’s reaction was exactly as I had expected—wide-eyed and dropped jaw.   
“What?” She screeched throughout the small restaurant.   
“Keep your voice down,” I hushed her. It didn’t matter how loud she was though; no one was here, I just didn’t want her reminding me how stupid I was being.   
“Viv,” she said with genuine concern.   
“It’s not that big of a deal,” I lied, keeping my eyes down.   
“Are you sure about this?” Her initial shock wore off. She seemed to be returning to her usual, caring self.   
“I’m…” my voice trailed off. I didn’t know how to respond.   
“I’ve been doing fine, if not excellent, in school recently, even with Spencer in my life. I think if I can keep it this way, I can have the best to both worlds,” I explained to her, but my wavering voice hinted at something else. I could see it in the way that she looked at me that she noticed.   
“Can you keep it this way?” Her question scared me because I didn’t know the answer.  
“Yes,” I said definitively, despite my own doubts. I just didn’t need her worrying about me.  
“Okay,” she spoke hesitantly.   
We finished our food in silence, her stealing concerned glances at me as I tried to put on a brave face. As we walked out, heading back towards central campus, Kori asked me another question that I hadn’t actually considered yet.   
“Is Spencer okay with what’s going on?”   
I hadn’t thought about it. I told him the first time that we couldn’t be together, and he seemed to understand that. We only spoke when it came to school or one of us begging the other to come over. I had just assumed we were on the same page.   
“Yes,” I said, clearly not confident in my answer. She let it go easily, finally understanding after an hour that I didn’t want to talk about this.   
“Just…” she started as we neared her next class. She stopped in the sidewalk, pulling me into a hug. The gesture surprised me. I was never one for a ton of physical contact in a friendship, but it shocked me just how comfortable it felt. “Be careful. Be safe.” Her words stuck with me as she walked away.


	6. Ruins

Kori’s words stuck with me for hours. They plagued my thoughts as I attempted to fall asleep at the early hour—well, early for me—of ten o’clock. After forty-five minutes of twisting and turning, I finally pulled out my phone and did the thing that I had been trying not to since I got home. The line rung twice before it connected.   
“Hey,” Spencer’s soft voice spoke over the speaker.   
“Can I come over?” I whispered, trying to hide my own actions from myself.   
“Of course,” he said. The line stayed silent before a moment before I hung up, not knowing what else I could even say to him. I just wanted to be with him.   
He was waiting at his door when I arrived, having remembered the average amount of time that passed between me calling him and me arriving after my past few calls. It was such a Spencer thing to do.   
He tried to speak, to greet me, but my lips just crashed into his, pushing him back into his apartment. I swung the door shut behind me, not interrupting our kiss, as we slowly walked towards the bedroom. It seemed with every visit, we had grown quieter and quitter, the only sounds often being heavy breathing and soft moans. It really had become just physical.   
“Viv,” he tried to speak through kisses, but I wouldn’t relent. I trailed down his neck, letting the words leave his mouth as I sucked lightly at his skin. His hands held my body close, his fingers digging slightly into my hips.   
“What’s wrong?” He asked, his touch becoming more tender as he lifted a hand to my face. The feeling of his fingertips soft against my face, bringing my eyes to meet his, almost broke me.   
“I don’t want to talk about it, just…” I sighed. I wanted to cry, but more importantly, I wanted to forget. “Please.” I let out a small sob. He understood. I could see in his eyes he was feeling the same way I was—conflicted but unable to stop.   
He pulled my shirt from my frame, followed by his own, and pulled me on top of him on the bed. His nails trailed down my spine as I kissed him, grinding my hips to feel his hard member below me. The way he groaned against my lips distracted me from my thoughts, reminding me why I wanted to be here so bad in the first place. He was my problem, but he was also my distraction. The way he made me feel with those hands and those lips could pull my mind away from anything troubling me. It was what we needed in each other when we couldn’t be together.   
He sat up, pulling my chest against his. His bare skin was cold but slicked with sweat, the feeling raising goosebumps. His hand slid between us, slipping below my waistband and finding my wet core. The moan I released at the feeling of his fingers on my clit surprised me, putting me completely in the moment with him.   
“Spencer,” I panted against his skin. He shifted my hips to give him more access, two fingers slipping into my heated core.   
“Yes, princess?” he whispered into my ear as he curled his fingers inside me.   
“I-” I tried to stutter out a response, but his palm rubbing against my clit as his fingers thrusted into me had my mind foggy.   
My thoughts became more coherent when his fingers left me, his hand withdrawing from my body completely. He sat himself up on his forearms, glaring at me as I straddled him.   
“Spencer, what the fuck?” I spit, folding my arms across my bare chest.   
“You were trying to say something, but I was distracting you, so I stopped,” he said smugly. I could still feel his cock straining against the material of his pajama bottoms. His attitude prompted me to tease him the same way.   
“I was going to say,” I began, shifting further down his thighs, off of his bulge entirely, “You make me feel so good.” My fingers slipped under his waistband, pulling at the material to reveal himself to me. “I can’t say that right now though, can I?” I teased, my fingers grazing over the veins that ran up his erection.   
He shuddered against me, but quickly shook the euphoric look on his face. He snatched my wrist, pulling me away from him. When my other hand went to continue the job, he did the same. He slid out from under me, pushing me back so that he was now pinning me. His face hung over mine, a hungry look in his eyes.   
“You still can,” he smirked, collecting both my hands in one of his and returning his fingers to my core. He took no time returning to his quick pace, my body writhing underneath him.   
“If you want me to keep going, though, you’re going to have to tell me just how good it feels,” he whispered against my skin.   
“It…it,” I tried to speak, but the pleasure of the moment was overwhelming. I finally found the words as his fingers threatened to leave again. “It feels so good Spencer, please, please keep going,” I begged. The cocky smile that spread across his face almost made me regret my words, but the kisses he placed going down to my thighs made me happy I said them.   
His tongue replaced the palm of his hand, licking and sucking at my crest while his fingers were still buried inside me. My hips bucked at his thrusts, earning a moan from Spencer. I tugged at his hair, begging for some relief, but he would not let up, continuing to lap at my core until I reached my climax.   
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I chanted as my orgasm washed over me.   
“And you look so pretty coming for me, princess,” he spoke against my thigh as he laid kisses over my body.  
I sat up, reaching at his hips to remove the rest of his pants, desperate to feel the rest of him inside me. He surprised me by pulling them back up his legs and leaning back against his headboard.   
“Spence?” I questioned his movements.   
“Just come here,” he patted the bed beside him. Confused, I curled up next to him, sliding under the arm he held out for me. He pulled me close, the woody scent of the cologne left on his body filling my senses. My cheek rested on his chest, his words vibrating against me as he spoke.   
“What’s wrong?” He asked, his voice laced with concern.   
I debated telling him the truth—that what Kori had said to us had me overthinking our relationship. I decided against it, though, not wanting him to have the same doubts I was having.   
“It’s nothing,” I said as convincingly as I could. He thought about it for a moment, his fingers dancing over the skin on my arm where they rested. I glanced up at him, trying to read his mind. His lips were pursed between his teeth, eyes looking up at the ceiling.   
“If you say so,” he finally said. His head leaned over onto mine that rose and fell with every breath he took.   
“Can we still…” I began, my hand sliding down his bare chest. He giggled at request, knowing where I was going. I missed that laugh. Things had felt so serious between us the past few months, it made my heart smile.   
“Yes, we can still have sex.” He chuckled as he spoke, tilting my chin up with his fingers so that he could meet me with a soft kiss. It was different. There was love behind it, love I haven’t felt since the night we broke up. It pained me to try and pull back from it, but I had to fight those feelings if I wanted to keep him in my life.   
His tongue finally slipped past my lips, deepening the kiss into a realm I could survive in, where I could pretend it was all just physical. He let me slide his pants down. Feeling him pressed against my skin again, I let out a deep sigh.   
“Viv,” he spoke breathily as he pulled back from me. I slid onto my back, letting him hover over me. His pupils were dilated, a bead of sweat was dripping from his forehead. His parted lips were so kissable, I brought myself back to them.   
“Please, Spencer,” I hushed him, not wanting him to say anything that would bring me back to reality. As he slid into me, I saw his face twist with ecstasy, letting me know he was living in the same dream world I was. He scooped up one of my legs into his arms, allowing him to bury himself as far as possible into me before retreating, then thrusting back in with as much force as he could muster.   
He was fast, forceful, rhythmic. He was losing himself in me. My back arched with bliss.  
“Vivian,” he breathed into my ear, but it wasn’t like he was calling for me. It was like he was dreaming of me, like I wasn’t there but he wished I was.   
“Spencer,” I moaned, his thrusts bottoming out in me. My voice brought him back, his eyes staring down at me, almost saddened. He screwed them shut again and I kept my mouth shut, letting him return to whatever was going on in his head.   
His arm was wrapped around me, his full weight falling onto my chest, his head buried in my neck. The warmth of his breath made my skin tingle combined with his fingers softly pinching my nipple. It wasn’t going to take long for either of us to finish, despite our desire to stay lost in the moment.   
The pit in my stomach grew, fueled by Spencer’s gentle touch, his heavy breaths, and the snap of his hips. I couldn’t hold out any longer when my hips bucked into his, the friction of my clit against his skin bringing me over the edge. I let out a high pitch moan, my movements stiffening as I came around him.   
“Oh my God,” he groaned, spilling himself in me moments after he brought on my orgasm. He continued to pile into me with slow thrusts, not wanting to leave the safety that sex had brought us for the past month.   
When he pulled out, he was resigned, settling into the bed beside me without a word. I hated seeing him like this. It seemed to get worse with every late-night call we had.   
“Spence,” I crooned, placing my head on his arm. He didn’t look at me. He just responded with a quiet hum, wrapping his arms around himself.   
“I can stay tonight,” I whispered. That caught his attention. He turned over, looking at me with longing in his eyes.   
“Are you…” I cut him off with a kiss. I was tired of people asking if I was sure. I was just doing what felt right, I didn’t want to question it. I nodded, shifting down next to him and wrapping my arms around him. He settled into his new position as the little spoon and quickly fell asleep.   
I was left restless, my night with him not doing its job of putting me to sleep like it normally did. Once I was sure he was out, I slipped out of bed, wandering his apartment. I took a shower, browsed his bookshelves, even looked at the research papers that cluttered his old desk.   
I didn’t feel tired until almost four in the morning, crawling back into bed with Spencer. He welcomed me him into his arms despite the sound slumber he was in. My eyes watered. I always got so emotional when my mind was racing so late. I let the sleep take me over, hoping my dreams would be better than my reality.   
In the morning it was breakfast, walking to class together, grabbing lunch the next day. It hurt, but I couldn’t stop myself. We still didn’t speak outside of class unless it was to call at some ungodly hour. It was awful, but it was better than nothing.


	7. Backing Out

Two weeks. I hadn’t spoken to Spencer in two weeks. I hadn’t seen Spencer in two weeks.   
He called me after the first discussion I missed, twice after the second. He wanted to come over, spend the night, make me breakfast, take me to lunch. I gave into it too many times. I couldn’t fall in love again. It would ruin me.   
When he called at eleven p.m. on a Thursday, I was already dying inside. Seeing his name spelled out across my phone, I knew he was the only thing that would bring me solace.   
“Vivian?” He was surprised when the line actually connected.   
“I’m sorry Spence,” I tried my best not to sound as broken as I actually was.   
“Just come over, please.” His voice was strong as he begged, and I relented. He was waiting at his door, like always.   
“Are we going to fuck?” Those were the first words to leave my mouth when the door shut. He was surprised by my forwardness, taking a step towards me, but I took a step back when his hand reached out for me.   
“Yes or no, Spencer.” I demanded.   
“Uh, yes. I mean, we can,” he stuttered.   
I dropped to my knees and ran my hand over his crotch. I just wanted to get lost in something other than my thoughts.   
“Wait,” Spencer said with concern as I pulled his pants down his legs. I peered up at him with an expressionless face. “You mean right now?” He questioned, confusion in his voice.   
“Yes, Spencer, right now. Do you want to?” My voice was harsher than I meant for it to be, but it was late, I was tired, I needed to feel something. I awaited his response, a firm nod from him finally allowing me to slide my hand down his shaft. It didn’t take long for him to grow hard in my hand. His eyes rolled back in his head as I slid my tongue up his length, kissing the tip when I reached it.   
His fingers laced into the roots of my hair as my mouth wrapped around him, guiding my head back and forth along his cock.   
“Vivian,” Spencer moaned, his handing moving me more than my own head could. His hips bucked towards me as my tongue swirled around him.   
“Fuck, come here,” he pulled me from him, despite my protests. He yanked at my hair until I stood, glaring at me with a look I couldn’t recognize on his face. His lips attacked me, biting at my bottom lip before sliding his tongue into my mouth. It didn’t last long, like my time spent on my knees. He backed me into his kitchen counter before turning me forcefully.   
I was quick to comply, bending over the surface while I awaited more of his harsh touches. He swiftly removed the tension building between us, sliding my sweats down my legs and running his hands over my ass that I shoved towards him.   
With the wetness already between my legs, he eased into me with no resistance. His thrusts grew fast and hard with no hesitation, much like that first time I begged him to take me in the classroom.   
“Shit,” I could hear Spencer groaning behind me over the sounds of my skin hitting his. His fingers dug into my skin, surely leaving little crescents in their wake.   
“Spencer,” I whined, his pounding bringing me closer to the edge with every stroke.   
“Shh,” he hushed, “call me doctor.”  
“Yes, doctor, please,” I begged for my release. His fingers came down hard on my clit, instantly sending me over the edge. It was incredible the way my body reacted to him. Spencer’s release followed soon, spilling into me with a string of curses. He pulled out sooner than I expected, redressing himself with an odd fervor. I did the same, a look of confusion resting on my face.   
Spencer ran his hands through his hair, pacing into the living room without saying a word to me. He could get distant after we hooked up sometimes, but there was something different. The look on his face was one of pure disappointment, and his body language revealed just how anxious he was. He couldn’t stop tapping his foot or wringing his hands.   
“Spencer.” I walked towards him slowly, placing his hand on his shoulder when I reached him, but he was quick to shrug it off. “Is something wrong?”  
“Yes, of course something is wrong!” He snapped.   
“Spence…” I tried to rest my hand on him again, give him some source of comfort but he continued to push me away.  
“I don’t want you touching me right now.” His words stung remembering the way he touched me before. It was like he was angry with himself for giving into his desires. It was upsetting, but I couldn’t say I blamed him. I felt the same way.   
“Tell me what I can do,” I begged. The tears lining his eyes, threatening to fall at any moment, made my heart physically shatter. My chest grew tight seeing him like this.   
“You can leave.” The tear finally fell as he spoke, a sob stuck in his voice.   
“No, I want to help,” I pleaded. Suddenly, he turned to me with pure distain in his eyes.   
“If you wanted to help you would have left me alone. You would have let me get over you, but you keep coming back to me without taking me back and it’s driving me insane!” He shouted. His words struck a chord within me, tears now falling from my own eyes.   
“I thought you were okay with the way things were.” My voice was no more than a whisper, the words stuck in my throat as I began to outright weep.   
“I tried to be. I wanted so badly to just be with you when I could, but I can’t.” His voice sobered as he worked through his thoughts. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart knowing he had been drowning in the same feelings I was. I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to respond to him. I wanted desperately to hug him, but I feared him pushing me off again.   
“You can either take me back and let me love you, or you can leave me alone and let me move on. Because I do still love you, Vivian. I love you so much it hurts that you only come over for sex and you never stay and let me hold you afterwards. It hurts that I have to see you in my class staring me down when I can’t treat you to lunch afterwards. It hurts that I can’t take you on study dates or read you poems that remind me of you. Everything hurts so much.” His voice was so resigned for such a heartfelt confession. I was the one that was in tears, sobbing with every utterance of ‘love.’  
“I’m so sorry, Spencer,” I cried. I meant it. The only thing that stung worse than not having him was hurting him in the process. My own selfish desires led me to abandon him and then taunt him with what he couldn’t fully have.   
He finally made eye contact with me. “And I believe you, but I still need you to choose.” Tentatively, I reached for his hand, and to my luck he accepted my gesture. I squeezed it three times, keeping my eyes on his to gage his reaction. His face didn’t move, but his hand returned the same movements.   
“I have to go. I still feel the same way I did in December,” I admitted.   
“I know.” Spencer’s tears had dried up, leaving a permanent look of heartache on his face. He walked me to the door, and it felt all too much like our breakup in December. Just like him, I lingered in the doorway, not wanting to say goodbye.   
“Spence,” I began, peering up into the beautiful gold that surrounded his pupils, “I still love you.” He nodded, closing the door behind me.   
It was a long walk home. And after that, it was a long semester. Leaving Spencer’s class for a new discussion, that night was the last time I saw him.


	8. Dissertation

“Let’s take a walk.” Char bounced into my bedroom, almost tripping over the pile of clothes that was crowding the doorway. “On second thought, let’s clean up your room.”  
“I’m sorry, babe, but go away,” I pleaded. I sunk further into the sea of pillows that my bed had become over the last couple months. Every time I saw a cute throw pillow in the window of a store, I just had to have it. Even with the growing heat and limited air conditioning in April, I kept them close to me when I was in bed, which was most of the time.   
“Nope. I am done letting you wallow. Now I don’t know what happened since someone decided to keep a huge chunk of her life a secret from me…” I threw her a look of scorn. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s not the important part. It is time for you to do something to make yourself happy.”  
Char had been so sweet to me since I came home that night, letting me cry my eyes out to her without asking too many questions. I appreciated what she was trying to do, but there was a safety that came with my bedroom that I wasn’t prepared to leave.   
“I don’t know, Char. I just want to sit here and work on this essay.” It sounded lame, but school was the only thing keeping me afloat. Pouring my energy into a term paper or presentation was so much better than wondering what Spencer was doing at any given moment.   
Char began to fold clothes as she spoke, placing them in a pile on a chair that happened to be the one clear surface in my room. “You could not turn in that paper and take a zero and you would still pass the class. Next excuse please.”  
“Char, baby, please,” I whined, slamming my laptop shut.   
“You can get all pretty and we’ll walk around and get ice cream and take pictures.” She danced around the room as she through out suggestions. I was tempted to say yes just to get her to stop messing with my things.   
“Ugh, fine,” I relented, tossing my laptop across the bed.   
“Yay!” Char squealed, clapping her hands together. She had been spending way too much time with Kori. Giving into her demands, I threw on a romper and some sandals and followed her out the door. My hair and makeup could have been better, but it wasn’t like there was anyone I was trying to impress anyway.  
Char practically dragged me down State Street, skipping along as we headed towards Michigan Creamery.   
“What’s got you so perky?” I questioned.   
“Okay, okay,” she responded, opening the door to the ice cream shop, “I wanted to get you out of the house, but I also had some news to share with you.” I looked towards her in anticipation, wanting to live vicariously through her happiness.   
There was barely any wait, allowing me to get two scoops of cookies and cream in no time. Char grabbed her milkshake and met me at a high-top table in the window, a smile painted across her face.   
I looked at her wide eyed, patiently awaiting her news. “Are you going to tell me?”  
“Oh, right,” she chuckled, “I met someone.”  
I gave her a kinds smile, but it was not the kind of news I could necessarily be happy about. While I was glad one of my best friends was happy, it just reminded me that I wasn’t. I wanted to jump and skip around, hopelessly in love, but I couldn’t.   
“That’s great, who?” I spoke with false confidence, hoping she wouldn’t pick up on the fact that I wished I were still in my bed. She began to ramble about this beautiful girl that sent her flowers and played bass in a band. They met at a small bar where they were performing, and they had been inseparable ever since.   
“How have I not heard about her sooner?” I wondered aloud.   
She sighed, reaching for my hand across the table. “Sweetie, you haven’t left your room for anything other than food and school in almost two months.”  
I tried to give her a smile, but it was clearly strained. Char kept her kind eyes on me, letting me finish my ice cream without much conversation. It wasn’t awkward, though, it was exactly what I needed. It was nice to just sit with someone other than myself and not worry about coming off as okay or happy. We walked back in silence as well, the pep still in Char’s step.   
“Wait,” Char stopped, turning towards the chemistry building, “let’s pop in here. I have to use the bathroom.” I wondered to myself why she couldn’t wait, but I followed her in.   
My eyes scanned the bulletin boards lining the hallways, waiting for Char to come out. Nothing was registering with me until I glanced at a photo that stopped me in my tracks. It was Spencer, smiling on the corner of the page, paragraphs of information typed out under his headshot.   
Dr. Spencer Reid—Thesis Dissertation, the title read.   
Reading more, I recognized a few of the concepts from what he had taught me in class and what I read in the research papers that covered his desk. At the bottom of the page was the information on where it would be held. Today. In five minutes.   
“Alright, let’s head out,” Char spoke, startling me.   
“I, uh,” I stuttered, “I just remembered I wanted to talk to one of my professors. I’ll catch up with you later.”  
I didn’t give her time to respond before rushing off, heading towards the small lecture hall that Spencer was supposed to be in. I don’t know if it was the sadness that had been lingering for the past few months or the depression that hit me when Char told me about her girlfriend, but I needed to see him.   
I ducked into the back of the room, the seats filled with men and women in suits, most of them with their laptops or a notebook out. I slid down in my seat as far as possible, not wanting Spencer to be able to see me when he came in.   
He looked gorgeous when he did, taking his place center stage in a black, three-piece suit, pared with a light blue dress shirt and a necktie covered in Bohr atoms. His hair had gotten a bit longer since the last time I saw him, and he grew out his beard and mustache. I just wanted to hug him in that moment. Nothing else would have made me happier.   
I listened to every melodic word that fell from his lips, the information coming effortlessly to him. Half of the information was gibberish to me, but it sounded so simple coming from his mouth.   
As the crowd fell into applause, I snuck out, hoping the few standing individuals would shield my exit. I felt the tears on my face as soon as the fresh air hit me. I collapsed onto the nearest bench, trying to get myself under control before I attempted to walk home.   
I was still so in love with him it hurt. I buried my head in my hands, waiting for the tears to pass, but it was too long before they did. I heard the whispers of passersby, the academics who had just evaluated Spencer keeping their distance as they exited the building. I didn’t see Spencer, but if he saw me, he didn’t say anything.   
Picking myself up, my whole body felt heavy. I should have never left my bed. But that’s not where my feet took me. Before I knew it, that golden nine was staring me in the face, and my hand was reaching for the door. Two hesitant knocks later, I heard the shuffle of footsteps behind the door, light and quick against the wooden floor.   
“Hi, how can I…” a tall blonde woman stood in the doorway. I couldn’t hear her words as she spoke. My vision was fading fast, my fight or flight kicking in. It felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.   
I ran off before she got the words out of her mouth, letting the tears return to my eyes. This hurt worse than anything that had happened in the last five months. I thought I was heartbroken before, but this pain was unimaginable. He had moved on, but I was still stuck on his beautiful eyes, his quirky style, and the way he could make anything sound interesting.   
If he had felt the same love I did, how could he move past this?


	9. Summer Break

May rolls around with lots of rain, giving me an excuse to ignore Char’s incessant begging for me to go out with her. It started off as our classic club nights, but she slowly backed off into trips to the movies or quiet restaurants. I rarely accepted her offers, but when I did, I usually ended up crying and we had to leave early.   
Luckily for me, I’m left alone to wallow in my sorrows more often as Char’s new relationship takes off.   
Tonight, is one of those lonely nights. Rain patters on my window as gray takes over the sky in the early evening. Normally, I would consider this a perfect movie night, but my severe lack of vitamin D and serotonin makes it difficult to focus on anything.   
Turning on a sad playlist and making a mug of hot chocolate, I slump myself over the couch and let numbness take me over. It had been better than the complete sadness that I had felt leaving Spencer’s apartment and the week after, but not as relieving as the anger that I took out on the punching bag at the gym every once and a while. It was a literal nothing that settled in my chest and made me forget that I existed.   
I was surprised that I had found the motivation to take my exams, but I had a good enough grade in all of my classes that I probably could have bombed them and still passes. Lucky for me, that wasn’t the case. I passed with flying colors, but not even that could bring a smile to my face.   
The thing that gets me the most is that every morning I wake up and want nothing more than to call him, to apologize, and to beg for forgiveness, but every time I see that he hasn’t called or texted, I’m reminded that he’s moved on. It wouldn’t be fair for me to pull him back into this when he did such a good job of escaping it.   
I don’t even finish the hot chocolate before the tears start falling again. I hate being left alone with my thoughts, but nothing can distract me right now, my mind is too loud. The quiet sobs I emit take over the music that had been filling the room, just reminding me of how pathetic I was. My eyes flutter shut in defeat, letting sorrow fill me for the millionth time in the past few months. The numbness was good while it lasted.   
I hadn’t slept well in days, so it was only a matter of time before I slipped into a dream…well, a nightmare. My head fills with images of Spencer’s smile, the way he held me while we watched movies or read books on his couch. I think about all the museums he said he would take me to, and I can just picture the way he would ramble off every fact he knew about the exhibits. I can smell the coffee he would bring me every Monday before taking a seat next to me and drawing shapes on my thigh with his pinky. I’m letting myself fantasize about something I’ll never have again, and it hurts. It hurts like hell.   
I’m startled awake by Char slamming the door behind her. Her voice is sharp and hushed when she realizes I’m on the couch. “Oh, God. Sorry.”  
“It’s, uh…” I sniffle, “It’s fine.”  
She takes a seat next to my feet, rubbing her hand over my leg while she speaks. “How’s it going, sweetie?”  
She knew the answer, she just wanted me to talk about my feelings. “Not great. Not as bad as two weeks ago, but not good.” My voice catches in my throat. I hate myself for being so broken.   
“I know, sweetie.” She sounds like a mom.   
“I think…” I can’t believe I’m saying this, “I think I’m ready to tell you what happened.”  
She sits patiently, waiting for me to speak. Instead, I get up and make us both a mug of hot chocolate, knowing I’ll need the comfort.   
“So, it started last semester. I was dating my TA…” Her mouth is agape as soon as the words leave my mouth. I recount it all to her—the lunch dates, movie nights, study sessions. She nods understandingly as I tell her why I had to break it off. Her face twists into confusion hearing about our temporary backslide, but she keeps her mouth shut. I tell her all I want is to apologize to him, but he probably doesn’t want to hear from me.   
I’m surprised I can hold in my tears for so long, but they return as I finish the story. “After we went for ice cream I went to his dissertation. I just wanted to see him one last time, so I stopped by his apartment, but a girl answered the door. It took him all of a month to replace me.”  
She finally stops holding her tongue. “Are you sure it was a girl girl? Like, maybe it was a coworker or another TA.”  
I had thought about that a million times, but I had never heard of any other girl. He never talked about his coworkers or other grad students, just some joking comments about the students he taught. He had never had another girl over to his apartment, so why start now that I’m gone?  
“No, I’m sure.”  
She passes me a tissue box before going to the kitchen, finding the cookies she had made me the night before and resting the container in my lap. “We are going to make you a recovery plan.”  
I laugh for the first time in weeks at her enthusiasm. She shuffles around our bookshelf before pulling out a notebook and some markers. “And we’re going to make it pretty.”  
She scrawls out the dates of the next few weeks in a pink gel pen, leaving space underneath each heading. “You are going to set a goal for yourself for every week this summer. Not just about Spencer, but about improving yourself.”  
I played along with her, writing out dumb things at first like ‘shower every day’ and ‘leave the apartment twice’ for the first couple weeks. But, by the time I got to July, I figured I would need to do something productive. I would get an internship, hopefully something paid since I was quickly running out of my savings from the previous summer. By the end of the summer, I would be well enough, body and mind, to call Spencer and tell him I’m sorry. But that would be it. After that, I would leave him alone.   
“This is great, Viv. I’m really proud of you,” Char crooned. Tears still stained my cheeks, but my body finally felt like it had weight, substance. That I was something more than a void.   
Glancing at our clock, I see it flicker to midnight. “Get some rest, sweetie. Wake me up if you need anything.”  
I do as I’m told, and for the first time in a while, I have a dreamless sleep.   
*****  
“Just clean the glassware and sanitize the bench before you go. Thanks for your help today,” my research advisor instructs. I had stuck to my list, for the most part, and I was thankful for it.   
When it came time to look for an internship, there was a great paid position as a research assistant on campus. Thankfully, pulling myself together for the interview was not as difficult as I thought it would be after weeks of life coaching from Char. She really was the greatest friend someone could ask for.   
She was enthralled when I finally started going out again—one of my goals being to meet her girlfriend. Ronnie was amazing, beautiful, talented. Perfect for Char. We saw her perform at a small bar a few blocks away from the apartment. Meeting up with her and her band after the show, I could see how happy they were together. Surprisingly, it didn’t sting to see what I was missing. I was healing.   
Working forty hours a week did a lot to take my mind away from Spencer. Just like the beginning of the semester, having work to throw myself into took me away from the dangers of my own mind. Honestly, I hadn’t dreamt about him in weeks.   
Every time he did pop into my head, though, even if just for a second, I was able to run to my boss and ask for extra assignments to pull me away.   
It’s the second to last week of August. I have two more things to check off my list. They are daunting, but I can try and get through it.


	10. The Final Checks

His voice is melodic as he giggles across from me, “Viv, please. Just sit still and smile.”  
I finally relent my teasing and squint my eyes as my face is painted with a grin, letting him capture my likeness on his phone.   
“I think this one is my new favorite,” he says as he smiles down at his phone, admiring his work.   
I shove his shoulder from across the table. “You say that every time you take a picture of me.”  
“Because it’s true every time,” he proudly retorts. I grab his hand that’s resting on the metal surface and turn it over in mine, examining the lines and creases that cover his palm. His skin is soft yet calloused at the fingertips. I pull the limb towards me and place a soft kiss on his knuckles, holding them against my lips as I speak.   
“I love you.”  
I wake up cold and alone, praying that I can fall asleep and wake back up in the magical dream I was having. Dreams like that didn’t happen very often anymore, but the looming items on my summer to do list have left my mind in a bad place.   
Week 11: Call Spencer. Ask him to lunch to apologize.  
Week 12: Actually go to the lunch.   
I stared at Char’s curly pink handwriting in the notebook laid out in front of me. The recovery I had gone through the summer had almost gone entirely out the window. I wanted to be able to do this, but something was telling me I couldn’t.   
Scouring the kitchen for something to take my mind off my rapidly beating heart, I found Char’s alcohol stash and decided a bit of liquid courage was exactly what I needed. After three shots, I felt like I could actually do it.   
Dialing Spencer, I tried to steady my voice as much as possible, not wanting him to hear the alcohol on my lips. The phone rung out before going to voicemail. My heart fell, but I dialed again. And again. And again. Every time I was met with his stupid outgoing voice message.   
This is Dr. Spencer Reid. I can’t come to the phone right now, but you can leave your name and number at the beep.   
Who even recorded a voice message anymore?  
By the fourth call with no answer, I was fuming. I had never felt anger towards Spencer since our breakup, but I guess I needed to get to this stage of grief at some point. I dialed Char, even though she was with Ronnie, and prayed she would pick up.   
“Hey, Viv. What’s up.”  
I can’t help but start yelling as soon as I hear her voice. “He didn’t fucking answer!”  
“Woah, woah, woah. Babes, what are you talking about?” Her honeyed tone is clear through the speaker.   
“I called Spencer. It was one of the last things I needed to do. I called him four times and he wouldn’t answer!” My words rush out, my words slurring together as I lose control of myself. I can feel my eyes welling with tears, but I refuse to let any more fall for this man.   
“Maybe he’s at work or something. Do something to take your mind off things and call him in tomorrow. I’m sure everything will be okay.” Despite her sweet tone, I can tell she’s desperate to get back to her date. I hang up without a goodbye, taking her advice, reluctantly.   
I spend almost an hour in the shower, lost in my thoughts and the depressing playlist I queued. By the time I’m out, I’ve sobered, and my stomach is aching. I wasn’t going to be able to think straight in this apartment that his ghost still seemed to linger in, so I made myself look presentable and stepped outside to face the late summer sun.  
My head doesn’t know where it’s going, too lost in the bittersweet dream I awoke in the middle of, but my feet sure do. In a few minutes I’m staring at the cozy interior of Sueñas, inching myself towards the counter.   
The barista is much too cheery for my mood. “What can I get for you?”  
“Uh,” my voice comes out raspy, “A large coffee and an everything bagel.”  
After what seems like way too many questions about how I want my bagel, I pay and take a seat near the counter, awaiting my order. My mind plays over all the mornings I spent with Spencer, holding his hand across the table as he did the crossword or read through papers he was grading. This was not the place to go to clear my head. If anything, it was the place that plagued my mind when I closed my eyes and thought of him.   
It takes the barista three tries to get my attention when my order is ready. Once I have my food, it’s gone within minutes. It wasn’t much of a breakfast, but it was better than nothing. Just as I’m leaving to find something that will actually pull my mind away from Spencer, I glance back at the counter. Words of encouragement is written in big block letters on a chalk board that stands behind a large basket. I guess I could use some.   
Ruffling my hand around the array of colorful papers, I grab the one that feels right.   
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  
I needed to apologize. He needed to know how I felt, and I needed to know that I didn’t leave him broken. If he wouldn’t take my calls, I would go visit.   
When I see that golden nine again, reminiscing about the wonderful memories that lie behind the door, I almost want to back out. If I stopped now, I couldn’t make things any worse.   
Hesitantly, I raise a fist to the door and leave three soft raps, prompting a shuffling on the other side of the door. My heart stops at the sight of what I’m faced with when the door swings open.   
It’s the same tall blonde woman from months before; a tight teal dress covering her narrow figure and her golden tresses falling gracefully over her shoulders. She’s absolutely radiant and it breaks me.   
Just as my eyes fill will tears, she speaks. “Are you here for the open house?”  
I’m caught off guard for a second time, confusion pulling me away from my sadness. “Open house?”  
“Yes, this is one of our last units in the building. If you’re interested, you better grab it fast!” Her smile is superficial as her words pour out scripted.   
“W-what, uh,” my voice is hoarse as I try to find the words I’m looking for, “What happened to the man that was renting this unit before?”  
Her head falls to the side as she looks me over. “That cutie? He’s been gone a couple months now, he decided not to renew his lease. I don’t have a forwarding address for him, but I do have his number if you need to contact him.”  
She begins to jot it down before I can tell her I don’t need it. She pushes the sticky note into my hands before wishing me farewell, closing the door as I’m left distraught in the hallway. Looking over the digits, I realize he’s changed his number. He didn’t even bother to tell me. Or was I the reason he changed it?


	11. Bumble

Autumn in Ann Arbor is something special. Hues of red, orange, and gold line the streets as small shops put up their Halloween décor. The scene truly is beautiful if you’re in the right mind to admire such a thing. However, I am not.   
Spencer left without so much as a goodbye. Not that he owed it to me, I had been the one to break things off. Regardless, I wish he’d let me apologize. Then again, I did wait months to actually do it. By now, I felt as if I was the only one to blame for my sorrows. Spencer’s image was now untarnished in my mind; a fond memory I yearned for.   
But yearning doesn’t earn degrees. From the beginning of the semester, I had decided that this, my final year of college, would be one entirely focused on school. No drinking, no partying, and certainly no guys. After applying to several internships, with the help of a glowing recommendation from my summer research mentor, I landed another position in the chemistry department. It was unpaid, but under a much more prestigious professor. If I could earn his approval, I practically had my choice of jobs with his connections after graduation.   
So, every weekend was spent in the lab, or in the office organizing files, or at home typing up lab reports. When I wasn’t working at my internship, I was picking up shifts at the emergency room desk. If my time wasn’t spent at either of those, it was spent cramming in the library for my last handful of classes before I graduated.   
This was none too pleasing to Char and Kori. Char had been able to manage social life without me given Ronnie, but Kori was a different story. Every weekend, I could practically predict her call, answering immediately with the same answer I always gave.   
To my dismay, since I still adored her friendship, we had no classes together this semester, so the only time I got to see her was when she reluctantly agreed to study with me.   
We strutted down the crowded street, dodging football fans making their way back from today’s game. Char struggled to keep up with my hasty movements, wanting to get out of the crowd as soon as possible.   
“We should have gone to the game,” she huffed, eyeing the rowdy students adorned in maize and blue.   
My responses were short, as they had been whenever she complained about the situation. “I’ve got work to do. Sorry I’m not interested in seeing some guys toss around a ball while I get hit on by drunk frat guys.”  
“Okay, but some of the drunk frat guys are cute, and no offense girl, but you need some dick.”  
My mouth was agape at her blunt comment. She was right, but she didn’t need to say it. I tuned out her whining until we were stood in my new favorite coffee shop, Marlene’s. While Suenas still had superior espresso, Marlene’s came with the added bonus of no ghosts of romance past haunting it.   
I threw my bag into the booth we shared, setting my chai latte in front of me while I stared down Kori in front of me. It wasn’t until now that I realized she didn’t carry a backpack. She carried nothing on her except her phone and wallet.   
“How are you supposed to study without books?” I sighed, searching through my bag for my headphones. If she wasn’t intent on working while I did, I was going to need something to tune her out.   
She smiled cheekily across the booth, holding on tightly to her phone in front of her. “I have a different project I’m working on. Non-school related.”  
I rolled my eyes, but gave her a chuckle, nonetheless. I appreciated her company regardless of her intentions. I didn’t bother questioning her further, instead turning to my studies. I had a ten-page paper on organometallic reagents due on Monday that wasn’t going to write itself.   
As I began typing, I remembered one of the research papers I had stumbled upon in Spencer’s apartment. Spencer’s old apartment. God knows where he was now.   
Suddenly, the memories flooded back the way they did every once and a while. I was curled up on his couch, resting my head in his lap as he toyed with my messy hair. His eyes would scan the pages of the novel he held in front of him, his glasses sitting at the very tip of his nose. I would try to focus on whatever animated Disney film he had put on in the background, but I couldn’t help but admire his sharp jaw and soft lips. He had the perfect pink pout.   
I would push away the book that rested inches from the top of his head, turning his attention to my sleepy eyes. I could see the admiration, the adoration that he wore. His lips would come down to mine, softly kissing them before turning into a smile and returning to his reading.   
It was simple moments like those that filled my head at the most inconvenient times. I wanted to forget him, that’s why I dove headfirst into this semester, surrounding myself with anything and everything that would pull my mind away from Spencer Reid.   
With half a page out of ten done, Kori could see the sorrow that settled in my eyes. She had become familiar with the look, being right beside Char often when they had to console me over the summer.   
Her voice was chipper when she spoke, doing her best to pull me away from my thoughts. “Okay, look at what I did.”  
She slid her phone in its gold case to my side of the table, the screen filled with white and pastel yellow graphics. In a circle at the top of the page was my photo, the same profile photo I used on all my social media, with my name scrawled underneath it. Scrolling through, my age, height, school, and hobbies were listed out.   
“I’m not using bumble,” I state definitively. Sure, I needed to get over Spencer sometime, but I was not doing it with some internet hookup.   
She laughed heartily, as opposed to her usual giggle. “Oh, come on. You need to have a rebound before you can find someone that you love as much as you loved Spencer. Those are the rules of love, sweetie. I don’t make them.”  
“Stop saying love,” I joked, passing her phone back to her. While it wasn’t what I expected, I was still distracted from my earlier thoughts. I could probably refocus and finish this paper tonight, provided Kori halt her distractions.   
She feigned a pout but gave into my resistance. “Fine. I will be getting you some matches on here, though. Expect to see screen shots when you wake up tomorrow.”  
“You’re going to catfish them?”  
Laughter filled our table again. “No, I’ll just get the matches and wait for you to start an actual conversation.”  
“I don’t want to start an actual conversation,” I reply.   
She shoves her phone in her pocket before finishing off her drink, preparing to leave me to my studies. “Just think about it, please. You will have plenty of guys to choose from.”  
She squeezed my hand, drawing my attention to her kind eyes. “Have fun studying, but don’t over work yourself. Text me.”  
With that, she bounced off, joining the crowd of spirited students prancing through the streets. It took a few hours, but I finished my paper and ended up with a perfect score on it.


	12. Date Night

Kori had actually convinced me; I couldn’t believe it. With the help of Char, they pressured me into choosing one of the several guys I had matched with.  
His name was Brian. He studied mechanical engineering and had a pet guinea pig named Francis. I think I ended up choosing him because of his pet. The other profiles I looked through only boasted their heights and jaw lines, but appearances didn’t impress me once I had been with Spencer. No one looked like Spencer, so I couldn’t look for that. Brian had a pet and Spencer didn’t. I guess I could see that as an upgrade.  
Brian picked me up from my apartment five minutes early, dressed in a tight black t-shirt covered with a black blazer. He was much more fit that Spencer, large pectoral muscles pushing through the thin material that covered them. His skin was a rich almond color and his tight, dark brown curls rested neatly atop his head. He was attractive, but he wasn’t Spencer.  
That was all I could think about as we walked to the restaurant, his baritone voice just background noise to my thoughts. He wasn’t Spencer. I laughed at the jokes he made, even though there weren’t funny, and I nodded politely as we ate, even though I didn’t like the restaurant he chose.   
“So, what inspired you to choose chemistry?” He pondered, dipping a piece of bread into the soup he had ordered as an entrée.  
My feet shifted in discomfort, tempting me to kick off the black ballerina flats that I wore. I put on my best fake smile and continued to answer the questions he threw at me. “I just really fell in love with it taking it in high school. I had a really great teacher who inspired me and pushed me further into STEM. There’s also not a lot of women in chemistry fields, so I like being able to make more room for us there.”  
He nodded along without looking at me. I pushed around the last of the salad that sat in the large bowl before me. It was the only thing on the menu that sounded remotely pleasing.   
He took a loud slurp from his soup before speaking again. “Yeah, that’s really great. There’s a lot of women getting into engineering now, too. I think it’s mostly because it’s one of the few fields that pays women more than men nowadays.”  
“You don’t think they do it because they enjoy it?” I asked, titling my head at his comment.   
He sat back and looked me over, lingering over the neckline of the baby blue blouse I wore. “Well, I’m sure they do, but one of the reasons I chose engineering is because so many of the jobs pay so well.”  
It took everything in me to keep a smile on my face and not to roll my eyes. In that moment, I missed Spencer’s genuine thirst for knowledge. He wanted to know everything about the world around him because it interested him, not because he could profit off it.   
“That’s nice,” I lie, returning to the limp piece of lettuce in my bowl that somehow became more interesting than the handsome man sat in front of me.   
The conversation I had with our waitress when she returned suddenly became more interesting. Everything about the menu at this place sucked, except for the desserts.   
“We make our own ice cream in house,” she smiled while handing us the small cards with the rest of our choices on them. Somehow learning about making ice cream was entertaining me more than what Brian did for fun on the weekends (tailgating and flag football).   
As the night drew to a close, my stomach rumbling having already digested the salad and scoop of ice cream I called dinner, Brian offered to take me back to his place. I guess I had been faking me enthusiasm better than I thought, or maybe he was just bad at reading clues.   
The options played over in my head. I could go back to the apartment where I would either be bombarded with questions from Char or left alone if she had gone out with Ronnie. Neither of those options sounded very good, but did I really want to sleep with this guy? That’s where it was going to go, right?   
He was handsome. He had surely been with plenty of girls before. Perhaps he would be a good hookup, just to get Spencer out of my mind Kori did say I needed some dick.   
“So?” Brian awaited my answer as we stood in the brisk autumn air. I slid my hand into his, noting that it was smaller than I had expected, and let him lead the way. After a short walk, we arrived at his place, in the dorms, where he promptly kicked his roommate out and left a sock on the door before leading me to his bed.   
His hand sat still on my waist as he leaned in to kiss me, his slightly chapped lips barely moving against mine before his tongue slipped into my mouth. It felt foreign, swirling around my mouth as I sat almost motionless. I tried to lean into it, letting the moment overcome me and allow me to kiss back, but his stiff movements made it difficult to feel anything but boredom.   
He let out a soft groan as I scooted closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. His hand trailed down from my waist until it rested on my thigh.  
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding when he detached from me, sliding off his blazer and pulling off his shirt. His muscles were toned underneath, softly defined abs running down his stomach. At least I had something appealing to look at as he pawed at me.   
I don’t know why I continued. It was not going to be good sex, but at least it was sex. After moments of him fiddling with the zipper on my blouse, I removed it for him, taking my bra off too, sparing him the embarrassment of fumbling with the hooks. His eyes went wide at the sight of my breasts, prompting him to squeeze one of them, but it wasn’t in the massaging way Spencer did. He didn’t tease my nipples with his fingers or tongue. He just rested his hand on the flesh, clenching his fingers into the skin every once and a while.   
As he laid on top of me, I could smell his cologne. It was surprisingly pleasant; a fresh, ocean-y scent. I allowed him to kiss at my neck as I stared up at the ceiling, trying to think of something I could do to make this better. But Brian didn’t strike me as the type who liked to have the woman in control. He seemed much to confident in his lacking abilities.   
I fake a moan as his fingers slip into my panties. The friction against the sensitive skin does feel nice, but he doesn’t do much with it. He glides over my folds before pushing a finger into my core.   
“Mhh, you’re so wet,” he moaned into my ear. No, I’m not.   
He seemed to entertain himself as he plunged his finger into me, groans slipping from his lips, not doing much to get me any more aroused. When it finally left to allow him to undo my pants completely, I sat up, not bothering to cover my modesty as I scooted away from him.   
I spoke in a monotoned voice as I collected my belongings. “I’m sorry, I really am. I’m just not feeling it tonight. I’ll call you, though.”  
He sat on his bed, stunned. This was not the type of guy who didn’t get the girl, let alone have her walk out just as they’re about to fuck.  
“Yeah, um…” He was speechless for the first time. “I look forward to hearing from you.” His baritone voice had risen in pitch.   
I shuffled home where I was inevitably left alone. I settled back into my normal routine of being perched in front of my laptop while sipping on a cup of tea. I stayed up until two in the morning, working on assignment after assignment until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Afterwards, I fell into a dreamless sleep.


	13. Graduation

“I’m so proud of you. You look so beautiful,” my mother gleamed as she held my hands tightly in hers. The long black gown I wore fell mid-shin, completely covering the pale-yellow sundress I wore beneath it. I hadn’t put on my cap yet, awaiting my arrival at the stadium before I had to inevitably mess up my neatly pressed hair.   
My mother’s parents, as well as her two sisters, crowded Char and I’s tiny apartment, waiting for me to guide them to the overflow room where they would watch me walk via live feed. My two tickets to the actual stadium were given to my mother and grandmother, who both stared at me in awe, doing the thing they always dreamed of doing.   
We navigated the barren streets, the sun just barely poking out from under the horizon, finding a diner where we could grab breakfast before the big day. Nerves, excitement filled my stomach, not allowing me to eat more than a piece of toast before I feel sick to my stomach. We drop off my grandfather and aunts at the auditorium they’ll be in before we make the trek towards the stadium.  
To my dismay, I was supposed to be lining up for my department as Char walked the stage, but I would be able to see Kori strut across the stage and take her biochemistry degree.   
The two of them had become my closest friends and best support system finishing the school year. After my one date failed miserably, Kori promptly deleted bumble from her phone and put her attention towards actually studying when I invited her out. If anything, it helped her. She was graduating with honors, too, now.   
We had plans to meet up, the three of us plus Kori’s two friends, in the evening for a grand celebration after our families left or retired to their hotels. It felt good to be able to not think about school. Even better when I realized that, even without school crowding my mind, I wasn’t thinking about Spencer. I was thinking about my life ahead of me.   
I had been in contact with a few different people concerning my career, all research scientists across the country who were offering me wonderful starting positions in their labs. They were all similar positions at similar pay, so it really came down to where I wanted to move. Los Angeles, Austin, or Seattle.   
My mother had been pushing me towards Seattle, the place she would be most inclined to visit me since the weather wasn’t hot and dry all year round. Both Kori and Char, however, wanted me to pick the Los Angeles position so they would have an excuse to fly out there every once and a while. I had a week to decide for all of them, so I figured I would just take whatever felt right when the time came.   
“Do you need me to hold anything?” My mother asked as I stood at the student entrance. Kori was waiting for me somewhere behind the curtain.   
I gave her a genuine smile. “No, my dress has pockets.” I show them off, sticking my hands in them under my unzipped gown.   
Her and my grandmother chuckle before they each give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. They make their way to find their seats and I slip behind the curtain, excitedly awaiting my turn to walk across the stage.   
As soon as I step though, I’m tackled with Kori’s embrace, her high-pitched voice squealing in my ear. I burst out laughing as I set her down, keeping her hand tightly in mine.  
Tears well in her eyes as she looked me over. “We did it, we really did it.”  
She was always the emotional type. She cried when she aced her first exam of the semester.   
“Cut that out, Kori. Your mascara is going to run.”  
Laughter and chatter filled the crowded backstage area. Students gathered around, helping each other fix their caps and gowns until they look just right. Kori spent five minutes nitpicking my makeup until I finally swatted away her hands.   
Before we knew it, the time had come. We were lined up by department, and then in alphabetical order, to walk out and take our seats at the front of the crowd. I knew none of the students that surrounded me, but that didn’t matter. A giddy smile had been painted on my face from the moment I got dressed that morning.   
My steps were slow and calculated as I walked, not wanting to trip over my black heels in front of everyone. I kept my eyes out for my mother and grandmother, despite the large crowd, hoping I could find them. My eyes never located them, but instead fell upon something else that I could have sworn was a hallucination.   
In the first row behind the students sat a lanky man with messy curls falling in front of his face from the wind. He was well dressed, adorned in a black suit with a pale-yellow button-down shirt, almost matching my attire. The smile that he wore as he watched the students walk out was breathtaking, and his eyes pierced the crowd as if he were looking for someone.   
It couldn’t be him; my mind was playing tricks on me. The more my eyes tried to focus, the more I was convinced I was making him up. But no, in the front row sat Dr. Spencer Reid, searching the crowd until his eyes fell upon me.   
The whole world stopped when I saw the smile that crawled across his lips. I was convinced I had broken him and that he hated me, that’s why he moved away and cut off all contact with me. My heart swelled knowing that I could still be the cause of that gorgeous grin.   
When our eyes locked, I felt as if all was right in the world. He was here to cheer me on as I accepted the degree that I worked so hard for. He was here because he still cared.   
The ceremony inched along now that I was looking forward to it being over. All I wanted to do was to run into Spencer’s warm embrace, but instead I had to listen to a dozen speeches before several hundred students walked across the stage one by one.   
My head perked up, however, when I saw Kori’s row stand and head towards the stage. I waited in anticipation to watch her walk, well, more skip for her, across the stage and shake hands with the faculty. When they finally called her name, I cheered louder than I had for anyone else, being sure to grab her attention. She gave me a sly smile as she sat down but couldn’t keep the look of pure happiness off her face.   
I floated across the stage when my name was called, happy that it was all over, happy that I had worked so hard and achieved my goals, happy I did it all on my own. I swore I could hear Spencer calling my name as I accepted the leather-bound holder that they gave me, but I couldn’t investigate the crowd to see. I’d like to think that he was.   
My excitement soon turned to nerves as the ceremony ended, realizing I was about to confront Spencer. While I was glad to see him, questions still flooded my mind about his whereabouts for the past year. But more than anything, I needed to apologize.   
All around me, students united with their families, swinging in their arms as they celebrated the years they spent dedicated to this moment. Tears flowed and cheers rung out. Pure joy filled the crowded stadium as I examined the crowd trying to find Spencer.   
The longer it took, the more I thought that I really had just imagined it, until I saw his warm brown locks blowing in the wind, his back turned to me as he spoke to one of the professors who had been sitting on the stage.   
I anxiously awaited the end of his conversation, telling myself to back out and forget I even saw him more than once before I finally got my opportunity to slip in. I lightly tapped the smooth fabric of his suit jacket, fearing the worst when he turned around, but I couldn’t resist seeing his face again.   
My heart jumped seeing his eyes again. They swirled with jubilance looking down upon me. The butterflies that had filled my stomach dissipated as I realized he held no resent towards me. In fact, I would say he was happy to see me.   
Regardless, the first words to tumble from my mouth were, “I’m sorry.”   
“For what?” He seemed genuinely confused.   
“I’m sorry for being so horrible to you. For breaking up with you when I still wanted to be with you. For putting you in such a difficult position when I couldn’t commit to fully being with you. I’m just sorry for not loving you the way you deserved.” The words tumbled out with sincerity, but my voice didn’t falter. Those feelings had been brewing for almost a year, guiding me to exactly what I needed to say to find peace with myself.   
“All is forgiven. It looks like we both turned out okay, right?” He smiled, toying with the tassel that hung in front of my face.   
“Speaking of which,” I tried to keep the same confidence in my voice that I had had before. “What have you been up to?” I didn’t want to pry, he obviously didn’t consider me a part of his life anymore, but part of me needed to know.   
“It’s been,” he chuckled, “strange the past year. But I think I’ve found a job I really like.”  
Seeing him content, happy, just warms my heart. I don’t know why I chose my next words, but they slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. “That sounds really great. Maybe we can catch up over Charlie’s?”  
My heart stopped as I awaited his response. I couldn’t read the look that he wore, but my nerves dissolved when he spoke again. “I’d love to. How about I pick you up tomorrow at eleven?”  
“It’s a date,” I grin, wrapping my arms around his neck. It feels so familiar, so welcoming. To my surprise, he snakes his arms around my waist and returns the gesture.


	14. New Beginnings

“You look beautiful, as always,” Spencer greets, standing in my doorway. I’m still in shock at the fact that he’s here. He’s here and he’s complimenting me, not yelling, or tearing up the way he had been the last time I saw him. Maybe distance did make the heart grow fonder.   
I smile at him, admiring the sweater vest that sits over his button down, which was about as casual as he dressed outside of the confines of his home. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”  
I’m surprised at how easy conversation flows between us; it’s as if he never left.   
“So, how was your senior year? I wish I could have been here to see it,” he questioned as we made our way down State Street.   
“It was pretty cool. I was really focused on my studies all year. I worked a couple internships and picked up a few shifts part time at the hospital,” I answered, only giving the truths that mattered. He didn’t need to know that all that focus came from trying to keep him out of my mind. “What have you been up to?” The question that had been at the front of my mind since I found out he left finally slipped out.   
“I, uh,” he stutters, watching his feet as we step into our old lunch hangout. He avoids the question by stepping up to the counter and ordering his food. He soon learns that I’m not that easy to ignore when we sit down, my gaze interrogating him without words.   
“Sorry, sorry,” he laughs. “I just can barely believe everything that’s happened to me in the past year, I’m sure you’d think that I’m making up and excuse for not calling you.”  
I can hear the sincerity in his words. I’m held off from hearing his story once again as our food is delivered to our table. After a few bites and silent nods, Spencer clears his throat to explain.   
“I’ve been in Washington, D.C. for the past year. I was recruited to work for the FBI’s behavioral analysis unit. I’ve been training for the past year, but I’ve finally reached supervisory special agent status.”  
He was right, it sounds like an outrageous story you would tell a one-night stand as a reason you can’t stay the night. He works for the FBI? It was unbelievable, but somehow, he made it believable.   
Now I’m the one stuttering. “W-what does that even mean?”  
“I study behavior and use psychoanalysis to catch serial killers.” The way he can say those words so seriously, shoving fries into his mouth as he finishes, sends me.   
“You’re kidding,” I chuckle, looking for hints of it in his face, but it remains still. “You’re not kidding.”  
He lightly shakes his head, keeping his attention on his food. It makes sense why he left so suddenly, why he didn’t contact me. He’s a goddamn FBI agent. He was probably busy training and studying and…catching killers!  
A look of surprise still captures my face, causing Spencer to laugh as he looks at me. Regardless of the odd circumstances we found ourselves in, a weight was lifted off my shoulders knowing he wasn’t avoiding me.   
“I’m sorry that I didn’t call. I really think we just both needed our space. I came back, in part because the department asked me to, but also because I wanted to see you.” There’s something about those golden eyes that make it so hard to stay mad at him, not that I had been mad at the moment, but those unsettling feelings from my long summer still lingered in my stomach.   
“It was really hard, but I understood why we needed to be apart. I mean, I was the one that broke up with you in the first place.” The way that the words don’t sting, the way they actually make us laugh as we share a meal at one of the first places we ever went out, makes my heart swell. I’m still in love with him, but the realization doesn’t pain me the way it used to.   
“What are your plans now that you are a college graduate?” Spencer beams, pride clear in his voice.   
“I decided against grad school for the time being. I have a few research chemist job offers, I just need to decide which one to take,” I answer.   
I can’t quite read his expression—his eyebrows raised and a small smirk on his lips. It feels like he has something to say but is holding back. We finish the rest of our meal in silence, with shared glances and smiles that would relieve any tension. He walks me back to my apartment like the gentleman he is but lingers in the doorway as I try to say goodbye. The only thought in my head is if this was just his way of saying goodbye forever. The familiarity of the scene—one of us in standing in the hall as we try to figure out what to say and whether tears should fall—hurts. It’s been a while since I felt this hurt. I don’t like it.   
“How long are you in town for?” I speak, my voice barely audible.   
“I fly back tomorrow,” he sighs, knowing it’s not what I want to hear, but I see a hint of something behind his eyes. He doesn’t look as sorry as I do.   
I find the courage to ask, fearing the answer regardless, “Do you want to come in?”  
The bright white teeth I see as his lips curl into a smile calms my heartrate. Sitting next to him on my couch as we browse through Netflix feels so normal. I don’t want it to end. We spend a couple hours just finding the familiarity in each other’s arms. It’s just like in my dreams. I start to wonder if that’s what it is.   
But the tingle down my spine as he runs his hands through my messy hair reminds me that this is my reality, however temporary it is.   
“Hey, Viv,” he finally speaks up. I was starting to think we were just going to fall asleep on my couch in the middle of the afternoon. That would have been a sight for Char to see when she returns.   
“Hm?” I perk my head up to see his longing gaze staring me down, making me feel so comfortably vulnerable.   
“Can I kiss you?” His voice is just a whisper, scared of my answer. But I nod eagerly, resisting a grin as I feel his soft lips against mine. That was always the one thing I couldn’t feel in my dreams. The real feeling of his kiss was nothing my mind could imagine. It couldn’t have been longer than a few second, but the world stops around me with his touch.   
“I missed that,” I sigh as we eventually part, our noses still brushing against each other. I’m scared to open my eyes, to face what might happen next. There are so many ways this could end and I would just be left with dreams of sweet moments.   
But I’m so pleasantly surprised when his lips return—harder, hungrier. His tongue slides across my bottom lip before making its way into my mouth. With his hand cradling my face, pulling me closer with every breath, I allow myself to accept his lustful touch. I guess this was as good a way to say goodbye as any.   
Spencer’s chest is pressed against mine as my back hits the sofa. His hips maneuver their way between my legs, the two of us fitting together like the perfect puzzle we once were. A soft whimper falls from my lips as he kisses down my neck, leaving red marks as he sucks at the skin.   
“Spencer,” I moan with his arm wrapped tightly around my waist. The way his name still fits so comfortably in my mouth brings a smile to my lips.  
He barely parts from my skin, instead mumbling into it, “Keep saying my name. Don’t ever stop saying my name.”  
Begging, pleading. He’s as head over heels as I am. There’s no way this is goodbye.   
I sit up, reluctantly leaving his tender touches, and look into those stunning eyes with blown out pupils. “Spencer…”   
He smiles as he waits for my next words. “Come to my room.”  
Both of us, a bit too eagerly, jump from the couch and rush to my bedroom, almost slamming the door behind us. Spencer’s eyes are locked on my figure as I pull of my sweater and abandon the jeans I had thrown on for our date. Left in just cotton panties, he can’t keep his hands away from my any longer, pulling me into his arms and laying me on the bed. He parts one last time to remove his own shirt, but he wastes no time returning his lips to my skin as he kisses between my breasts.   
The way the heat grows between my legs with his every move is almost pathetic. There isn’t any part of me that can resist him.   
He holds my hips down on the mattress as he swirls his tongue around my hardened nipple, my back arching into his affections. My mind is foggy until I hear his soft groans against my skin, making me acutely aware of everything around me. I want to remember every moment, just in case it’s our last.   
His lips linger just above the waistband of my panties, taking too long to remove the soaked fabric. The soft kisses he leaves over my thighs leave me begging for more.   
“Spencer, please…”  
His teasing relents, and swiftly, the rest of my clothing is removed and his tongue dips into my arousal. I swear my neighbors can hear the gasp I let out at the sinful sensation that is him lightly sucking at my clit.   
Even louder, I whimper as he slips two fingers into my core, thrusting at he laps at my sensitive bundle. His hair is soft between my fingers as I grip it, using it to pull me back to earth. The euphoria taking me over is sure to climax soon at this rate.   
I’m practically screaming his name as I come, his pace not slowing as my body writhes underneath him. Even as I try to push his head away, his firm grip on my hips keeps me in his sights.   
“Spencer, please. I need you,” I whine. That pulls his attention away. As he sits up, his lips are slick with arousal, glistening in the sunlight that peaks through my window. His eyes are taking me in, putting every inch in that damn memory of his.   
“Say it again,” he whispers, “please.”  
I can barely hear my own voice when I say it, “I need you.”  
Forcibly, my lips are met in a kiss, his teeth grazing the swollen skin. His hands roam my body, not sure where to focus, just wanting to feel every inch. Mine to the same, leaving red stripes down his back as I pull him closer to me.   
I struggle to push down his pants, him reluctantly parting from me to remove them completely. The sight of his body again, the anticipation of feeling him again, almost brings me to tears. The overwhelming emotion of this moment, of this reunion, just makes it worse.   
He slides an arm under my leg and positions himself at my entrance, not hesitating before he pushes in. An utterly sexy, low groan escapes him as he fills me to the hilt. He pauses for a moment, both of us remembering the feeling, remembering each other.   
Slowly, almost too slowly, he slides out and in again. It feels like it takes eons for his pace to quicken, but when it does, every thrust is met with a high pitch moan.   
My face is buried in his shoulder, collecting sweat against my forehead as his body works. I pull myself into him in every way possible, never wanting to part from him again.   
“Vivian,” he pants. It’s like music to my ears.   
No matter how much I want to tell him how good he makes me feel, how much I missed him, how much I love him, I can’t find the words. All I can think about is his relentless pounding, the sound of his skin against mine filling my senses.   
I’m reaching a second climax, and I can tell he’s close too by the ragged breaths he lets out. His eyes had been screwed shut, but just as I’m about to finish, they open and stare me down.   
At once, as we’re caught in each other’s gaze, we both reach our highs with soft moans. He looks gorgeous with the way his jaw falls, his eyes still staring at me with complete admiration.   
His thrusts slow to a stop, him lingering inside me for a moment before pulling out and collapsing beside me.   
When I can catch my breath, and the muscles between my legs relax, another wave of emotion washes over me. Tears fill my eyes, a single one escaping and joining the sweat that beads on my face.   
Spencer is quick to notice, wiping it away before placing a tender kiss on my cheek. “What’s wrong.”  
“Nothing,” I manage, but somehow him asking opens the floodgates and I’m openly bawling as I lay naked beside him.   
“Please, tell me what’s wrong.” The sorrow, the worry in his voice doesn’t help my current situation.   
“No, it’s not bad. I just…” The words won’t come out, only a small sob. Spencer waits patiently, his wide eyes looking for anything he can do to help. His hand rubs over my stomach gently, calming me quicker than I expect.   
“I love you.” It finally comes out. “I love you and I don’t want you to go,” I sob.   
His arm around me grows tighter, his lips pressed against my shoulder. I can feel them turn up into a smile against my skin.   
“I’m not going anywhere.” It sounds like a promise, but how can he say it so confidently?   
“You’re leaving tomorrow,” I choke out.   
“I want you to come with me.”  
I turn, looking into his eyes for any hint of deception. All that’s there is that stupidly handsome grin paired with pleading eyes.   
“I want to preface this by saying I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but when I found out about it, I insisted that I be the one to tell you. It’s the other reason I came to see you besides just wanting to see you,” he explains. “You’re being offered a research chemist position at the FBI, in Quantico.”  
Just like at lunch, he makes the unbelievable seem real.   
“You don’t have to take it if the other offers you’ve gotten are better, but I just though it was a sign that it was our time to be together again.” His voice is shy, worried, paired with a waiting look on his face.   
All I can do is kiss him. It is our time.   
“What time is our flight?”


	15. Epilogue

One year later.   
I’m out front. The text from Spencer dings on my phone as I rush through my cluttered apartment. Somehow, I’ve misplaced my work bag again. A piece of toast hangs from my mouth as I finally find it poking out under my coffee table, the contents spilling out over the floor. If I took any longer, I was going to make both me and Spencer late. I trip over myself trying to pull my shoes on and rush out the door, almost forgetting my key on the way.   
Spencer laughs as I toss myself in the passenger side of his car. “Good morning to you, sleepy head.”   
I try to smooth down the hair atop of my head that I did not have enough time to fix after sleeping through my alarm. I figured I could just fix it in the car, but I forgot about Spencer’s incessant need to tease me. He relents quickly, though, hearing the stress in my endless huffing as I try to finish making myself look presentable. After almost a year of working at the FBI, I was still worried about making a good impression.   
“Relax,” Spencer coos, tucking my stray hairs behind my ears and staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes. The tip of my nose is met with a soft kiss and suddenly all is right in the world. “You look beautiful, as always.”  
“Thanks, love,” I swoon. He always makes me swoon. “We have to go, though!”   
Spencer lets out a soft chuckle before putting the car in drive and navigating to Quantico. We pass through security and arrive in front of my building five minutes before I’m supposed to be in the lab. I stumble out of the car the same way I stumbled in, but Spencer grabs my attention before I can rush through the front doors.   
“Vivian,” he leans over the center console and shouts out of the open passenger side door. “You know, we could save a lot of time in the mornings and after work if you just moved in with me.”  
I’m blushing. How does he still manage to make me blush? “Spencer, is that a formal request?”  
“Of course,” he smiles.   
“Yes, I will move in with you. Now go! You’re going to be late,” I shoo him, still giddy from his request. He blows a kiss out the open window before pulling off.


End file.
